Rainy Days
by cy-grl
Summary: Darkfic. Matt doesn't feel 'needed' and has the feeling the sun will never rise for him anymore. Deals with self injury. Read the summary inside. DISCONTINUED
1. Rainy Days

Summary : Have you ever felt depressed ? Have you ever thought : 'If that car would hit me right now, no one would care. Not even me...' Now that's the feeling Matt has to live with. He feels like there's no meaning in his life anymore. How does Matt deal with his depression ?  
  
Warning : This fic contains very depressing stuff, cutting (! Don't wanna read, go away now !), suicidal things and presence of unbreakable friendship, of course ( !  
  
Disclaimer : I do NOT own Digimon. Toei Animation does. Matt is NOT my own (too bad...) !  
  
Couples : No couple in mind yet, still thinking -_-, but it wont be any shônen-ai, so no Taito or Yamachi, sorry !  
  
Song : Crawling - Linkin Park (each chapter contains a song lyric)  
  
  
  
  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
  
  
Rainy Days...  
  
~By Mari-sama~  
  
  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
Crawling in my skin  
  
These wounds, they will not heal  
  
Fear is how I fall  
  
Confusing what is real  
  
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface  
  
Consuming, confusing  
  
This lack of self control I fear is never ending  
  
Controlling  
  
  
  
- - -  
  
I can't seem  
  
To find myself again  
  
My walls are closing in  
  
(Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)  
  
I've felt this way before  
  
So insecure  
  
- - -  
  
Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me  
  
  
  
- - -  
  
Distracting, reacting  
  
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection  
  
It's haunting how I can't seem...  
  
- - -  
  
To find myself again  
  
My walls are closing in  
  
(Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)  
  
I've felt this way before  
  
So insecure  
  
- - -  
  
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface  
  
Consuming, confusing  
  
This lack of self control I fear is never ending  
  
Controlling  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
Dearest diary,  
  
Today was...wasn't any diffirent, of course...Just a day like all the others. I just realised, that now, since it's autumn, I feel much worse than before. It seems like I have nothing to worry about in the summer. Maybe it's school. School isn't fantastic either...I was late for English class again and of course that stupid lady gave me extra homework, wow, if she'd know what I'm going through...I'm not myself ! I am myself ! But I don't feel like I am. I'm so confused. I keep having the feeling that the sun will never rise for me anymore. And maybe, someday...it won't rise anymore at all...Yes, that's what I'm thinking about ! Stupid me ! Comitting suicide ?! I know...it would all be like 'Matt ?! Oh he's such a good boy, he'd never ever do such freaky thing !' But hey ! No one knows who I am. Me neither. It's a tough time for me, diary ! Really ! I feel like dying ! That's why I'm gonna tell you some things about my funeral : I wanna be buried. I especially don't wanna be fried, ok ? Keep that in mind. I wanna have white flowers at the funeral. And music...hmm...have to think about that...I'll tell you tomorrow, ok ? And besides, I'm gonna eat something. I'm hungry (first time in days!), so see ya.  
  
The stupid ugly fucking moron freak, Matt ishida.  
  
  
  
  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
A/N : Please review or send me a mail : margotgreeve@hotmail.com or ayumi_ishida@hotmail.com choose yourself ( Thanks for reading !!! This was only an 'introduction' but I hope you enjoyed. Next chapter coming up real soon, ok ? Hope to see you later ! But remember...no reviews, no next chapters...It gets all worser, that's all I can tell...so review if you want to know what's gonna happen to Matt ! 


	2. Raindrops

Ok, this is the second chapter of my story : Rainy Days. Every chapter will be called to something associated with rain, like this one : Raindrops.  
  
If you didn't read the first chapter, you should go there to read the summary. Like I said, there was gonna be a song lyric in every chapter. If you are a 'Japan-fan', you should know Ayumi Hamasaki (my idol !) and if you don't, well... chack her out then ! She's awsome. She always sings in Japanese, but this is a translation. Enjoy my story ! R & R please !  
  
  
  
DISCLAIMER : I do NOT own Digimon.  
  
  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Raindrops - - - - - - - - - - By Mari-sama~  
  
  
  
  
  
Ayumi Hamasaki - A Song For XX  
  
  
  
  
  
Why am I crying?  
  
Why am I lost?  
  
Why did I stop?  
  
Please tell me  
  
When will I grow up?  
  
How long can I stay a child?  
  
Where have I come running from?  
  
Where am I running to?  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
I had no place to live. I couldn't find one.  
  
I don't know if I could have any hope for the future.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
They always said I was a strong child.  
  
They praised me, saying "you must be strong to not cry."  
  
I didn't want those words at all.  
  
So I pretended not to understand.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Why are you laughing?  
  
Why are you by my side?  
  
Why are you leaving me?  
  
Please tell me.  
  
When did you become strong?  
  
Since when have you felt weakness?  
  
How long must you wait  
  
for the day you understand to come?  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
The sun is rising. I must go soon.  
  
I can't stay in the same place forever.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
You will someday be betrayed by your trust in people.  
  
I thought it was the same as being rejected.  
  
At the time I didn't have that kind of strength.  
  
I definitely knew too much.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
They always said I was a strong child.  
  
They praised me, saying "you must be strong not to cry."  
  
The more people said things like that,  
  
the more even laughing became agony.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
I was born alone. I'll go on living alone.  
  
I thought that surely that kind of life is appropriate.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Dearest diary,  
  
I just can't take it any longer ! Life is hell... Why do I have to be here ? Why do I have to live ? Why do I have to see other people jumping around so happily ? I cannot take it. I don't wanna take it. I'm not gonna take this any longer. There has to be a way for me to get rid of this. I hope so. Oh crap ! My mom's here. I gotta go now, she wanted me to come over to her and TK for a week, and of course my dad didn't say 'no'. He was probably happy that he doesn't have to see my face for a week. I'm gonna take you with me, ok ? Ohh...I bet you my dad isn't gonna call me, even though he promised me.  
  
Matt.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Matt shut his diary, switched the light from his desk lamp off and stood up from his chair. He threw some clothes from his closet onto his bed and took a bag. He put the clothes in it, not even bothering to keep them a little decent. Ohh no... he heard his mother coming up.  
  
- - - Why does she have to do this ? - - -  
  
"Matt ?" Nancy asked, searching for the light switch.  
  
She couldn't see anything except a dark shadow which she supposed to be Matt.  
  
"Matt ? Put some light on !"  
  
- - - Oh great, always so critical about the things I like. I like to be in the dark, and that's my problem. - - -  
  
"Hi mom." Matt said under his breath, not with an interested tone.  
  
"Matt, put the lights on, please."  
  
Matt sighed, just loud enough for his mother to hear and when the room lightened Nancy sighed too.  
  
"What a mess... Do you ever clean this place out, Matt ?"  
  
Matt mumbled something, turning away from his mother and closing the zipper from his bag.  
  
"What did you say there ?"  
  
"I said that my room is my property and that I choose when I clean it."  
  
"Ok." His mother said, trying not to make him upset.  
  
"So... Did you pack your stuff ?" She asked, forcing a smile upon her face.  
  
Matt held his bag up in response and smiled back to her, in an ironic way though.  
  
A few minutes later, the two of them came into the living room, where Malcolm sat down, reading something. Some file from work or something...  
  
- - - Working again. No time for me. - - -  
  
"Malcolm ? Matt's ready to go." Nancy said.  
  
"Good." A voice came from behind the papers.  
  
- - - See... He doesn't even notice me. I wonder wether he'll still know my name after a week. I hope so. - - -  
  
"Don't you wanna discuss the thing we talked about on the phone ?"  
  
Matt frowned a little.  
  
- - - Huh ? - - -  
  
"What did we talk about ?" Malcolm said, putting his stuff down for a minute.  
  
"About the money."  
  
"Ohh yes, of course." He said, a little embarrassed towards Matt who had no clue where they were talking about.  
  
- - - I'll ask my mom in the car. - - -  
  
Matt's dad stood up and took his wallet. He took some money and gave it to Nancy.  
  
After a minute or two, Matt and his mom were in the car, driving to another city, one hour from Odaiba.  
  
Normally Matt went to his mother's apartment by bus but because of the weather, rain, rain, rain, his mom refused to let him do that. The bus could be in a car accident or something, she had said to him.  
  
"Mom ? What's that money about ?"  
  
His mother, who had her eyes fixed on the wet road didn't look up.  
  
"MOM !"  
  
"Huh ?-What ?"  
  
"Where's the money for ?"  
  
"It's uh...uhm...well...it's for..."  
  
"What ? Can't you tell me ? No ?"  
  
"I'm afraid-"  
  
"Not ? Ok, fine."  
  
They both were silent. Nancy didn't speak. Matt neither. Every five minutes, Nancy looked to her son from the corner of her eye.  
  
- - - Oh God... What's happening to him ? - - - Nancy thought.  
  
- - - What ? You think I don't see you, mom ? - - -  
  
- - - I wonder wether he sees... - - - She wondered.  
  
"I know you're looking." Matt suddenly said.  
  
Nancy laughed a bit. Matt didn't.  
  
"Can you please stop looking at me ? I'd appreciate."  
  
"Sorry." His mother quickly said.  
  
- - - Why is he so arrogant ? - - - She asked herself, mentally frowning.  
  
When they arrived at TK's apartment block, Matt got out very quickly and took his bag out of the car, not looking at his mother.  
  
He walked up to the door and pushed the button of TK's apartment number.  
  
"Hello ?" A scratchy voice came out of the speaker. "TK ?" "Matt ! Great you came ! I can't wait to see you !" "Can't wait to see you either !" "Come on in !"  
  
Matt pushed the door open and ran upstairs. He knew his mom was gonna take the elevator so he didn't.  
  
When Matt opened the door, TK flew into his arms. Matt dropped the bag on the floor.  
  
"Hi Matt ! It's so good to see you !"  
  
"Haha. Hey ! Let's try your new video game !"  
  
"Great ! I bet you I'll win this one, Matt !"  
  
"Ha ! That would be a waste of money !"  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"Dinner's ready !!!" Nancy yelled from downstairs. TK ran downstairs, shouting :  
  
"What's for today, mom ?"  
  
"I made pizza !"  
  
"PIZZA !!! Matt ! Hurry up !!!"  
  
"Coming..." A voice came from upstairs. Matt slowly walked down the stairs, his head down.  
  
They went to the dining room and all sat down.  
  
"You liked the food, Matt ?" Nancy asked her oldest son when they were done eating.  
  
"Yeah. It's good." Matt said, head still down.  
  
"TK ?"  
  
"It was awsome, mom ! You're the best !"  
  
Nancy smiled to TK, and then to Matt.  
  
His head was still down. His blonde hair almost hung in his empty plate.  
  
"Can I go upstairs, please ?" He said.  
  
"Sure. TK ? Will you clean the dishes, honey ?"  
  
"Yup !"  
  
- - - How can he possibly be so happy ? - - -  
  
Nancy stood up and followed Matt to the living room where he dropped himself onto the couch and switched the tv on.  
  
"Matt ?"  
  
Matt nodded a little.  
  
"Are you feeling alright, honey ?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
- - - Ohh no... Here we go again. - - -  
  
"You look pale."  
  
"Did you know people with blonde hair are supposed to look paler than people with brown or black hair ?"  
  
"Of course I know that. Let's say it different. You looke white as a sheet, ok ?" "So ?"  
  
"So ? You might be sick, sweetie..."  
  
- - - Sweetie... - - -  
  
"I'm not sick, alright !"  
  
Matt jumped up from the couch and ran upstairs to the room where he was gonna sleep in. Then he walked to the bathroom where he locked the door and let himself slide down slowly to the white walls.  
  
He burst out in tears.  
  
"Why ? Why am I DOING this !!!"  
  
- - - Why ? Why ? Why ? Why ? Why ? Why ? Why ? Why ? Why ? Why ? Why ? Why ? - - -  
  
He cried. Cried like a little child.  
  
When he finally stopped and had dried his tearstained cheeks, he unlocked the door and wandered to his room.  
  
- - - Where's my diary ? - - -  
  
He took it out from his bag and started to write.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Dearest Diary,  
  
I broke down in tears. Suddenly. I don't even know why but I do know I don't wanna cry again because I HATE it ! Ohh... I can't bear this. I have to find something to get better. Fast. Hey ! Why... ? No... Why wouldn't I try something from my mothers medicine cupboard ? I can take painkillers. Nah. Bad idea. Those only cure pain. And then I mean fysical pain. No mental pain like I have. But I can try. Right. I can always try. Be right back, diary.  
  
Ok, I'm back. I took one. Pa-ra-ce-ta-mol, if I spelled it right. I hope this is good. So now, I guess I'll have to feel better. I gotta go now. I'll write later.  
  
The Scourge Of Life, Matt.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Matt stood up and threw his diary onto the desk in the room.  
  
- - - Hope this works... - - -  
  
The blonde went back down. He wandered to the kitchen, where he found TK, cleaning the dishes. He didn't want him to notice he was here, so sneaked away. - - - Where's my mom ? - - -  
  
"Mom !"  
  
"Yes, Matt ?" Nancy said, racing into the dining room.  
  
She found Matt sitting at the table, head down like usuall and went to sit next to him.  
  
"Yes ?"  
  
Nancy put her hand under Matt's chin and made him look up. He pulled away and crossed his arms on the table. He put his head in his arms.  
  
"Matt... What is it ? Hmm ? What's wrong ?"  
  
"I don't know..." Matt sobbed, obviously crying.  
  
"Hey, sweetie... Come here."  
  
She hugged him. Matt hugged back, which made Nancy feel surprised.  
  
"You don't know ? Are you feeling sick ?"  
  
"No."  
  
"You're sad ?"  
  
"No !"  
  
"But you're crying, Matt. Why ? What happened ?"  
  
"Nothing !" Matt exclaimed, pulling away.  
  
His hair was in a mess. Nancy put out her left hand and caressed his head. She smiled to Matt, a little.  
  
"You just don't get it, mom !" He suddenly yelled at her.  
  
Matt jumped up and ran upstairs. He slammed the door shut when he had reached the room.  
  
"FUCK !!!" He yelled, throwing everything from the desk in frustration.  
  
Then he saw his diary on the floor, but also... his pocket-knife...  
  
  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Sorry for the cliffhanger, but now I have a little more hope you're gonna keep reading this ! I hope you enjoyed and pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees Review now ! And read the next chapters ! Updates are coming up REAL soon ! Promise ! I wish you guys the best and I hope you're never gonna have to go through something like this. -x-x-x- Mari-sama~ 


	3. Mud in my head

For the summary, read the first chapter. Ohh how Tai is gonna get into this story ? You'll read all in this chapter. R and R please ! This time I used KoRn's 'No one's there' as songlyric for this chapter. Check KoRn out if you can and listen to this song, it's good. Thank you so much for those reviews ! It means so much to me ! THANK YOU ! -x-x-x- Enjoy reading ! Mari- sama~ P.S. : This chapter 'Mud in my head' is dealing with cutting, so beware.  
  
DISCLAIMER : I do NOT own Digimon !!!  
  
  
  
Mud in my head - - - - - by Mari-sama~ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"No One's There" - - - - - KoRn  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
You and me  
  
We have no faces  
  
Soon our lives they'll be erased  
  
Do you think they will remember?  
  
Or will we just be replaced  
  
Oh I wish that I could see,  
  
How I wish that I could fly  
  
All the things that hang above me  
  
To a place where I can cry  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
So what can it be?  
  
No one hears me call,  
  
Echoes back at me  
  
No ones there.  
  
To all these nameless feelings  
  
I cant deal with in my life  
  
To all these greedy people  
  
Trying to feed on what is mine  
  
You've got to filll your hunger  
  
And stop fucking with my mind  
  
I know its time to leave these places far behind  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
You and me  
  
We have no faces  
  
They don't see us anymore  
  
Without love as they had promised  
  
And no faith for what's in store  
  
Oh I wish that I could see  
  
How I wish that I could fly  
  
All the things that hang above me  
  
To a place where I can cry  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
So what can it be?  
  
No one hears me call,  
  
Echoes back at me  
  
No ones there.  
  
To all these nameless feelings  
  
I cant deal with in my life  
  
To all these greedy people  
  
Trying to feed on what is mine  
  
You've got to filll your hunger  
  
And stop fucking with my mind  
  
I know its time to leave these places far behind  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Where are all these feelings hiding?  
  
Dancing in and out my mind  
  
Burning up all that I long for  
  
Feeding me till my decline  
  
Where are you? My soul is bleeding  
  
I am searching am I blind?  
  
All alone and bound forever  
  
Trapped inside me for all time  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
To all these nameless feelings  
  
I cant deal with in my life  
  
To all these greedy people  
  
Trying to feed on what is mine  
  
You've got to filll your hunger  
  
And stop fucking with my mind  
  
I know its time to leave these places far behind  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
To all these nameless feelings  
  
I cant deal with in my life  
  
To all these greedy people  
  
Trying to feed on what is mine  
  
You've got to filll your hunger  
  
And stop fucking with my mind  
  
I know its time to leave these places far behind  
  
  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
Tai sat in front of the tv. He was watching some lame tv soap because there was nothing special on. He was bored to death so got up from the couch where he'd almost fallen asleep and when he passed the phone, he decided to call Matt. Matt had been very quiet today, which was very unusual for him. Even though Matt had been quiet for the last week too so maybe there was something bigger going on. Anyway, Tai dialed Matt's phone numer.  
  
"Hello ? Mr. Ishida speaking."  
  
"Hi, it's Tai."  
  
"Hi Tai !"  
  
"Is Matt there ?"  
  
"No, sorry. He's with his mother. Do you have her phone number ?"  
  
"Yes, but I guess I'll just call to Matt's cell phone. Thanks anyway."  
  
"Bye."  
  
"Bye Mr. Ishida !"  
  
Tai hooked up the phone and sighed.  
  
- - - Ohh, that's probably the reason for Matt being like this. - - -  
  
He jumped back into the couch and grabbed the cookie jar again.  
  
- beep - beep - beep - beep - beep - beep -  
  
- - - Come on ! Pick up, will ya ! - - -  
  
"Tai ?" A nervous voice suddenly came from the other side of the line.  
  
"Matt ? Is that you ?"  
  
"Yes, why are you calling ? I'm...uhm...doing s-something."  
  
"Why are you so nervous ?"  
  
"I'm not nervous, it's only...I...uh...I dropped about ten plates on the floor."  
  
"You're cleaning the dishes ?"  
  
"...Yeah ! I'm cleaning the dishes. Right. So...talk to you later !"  
  
Matt hooked up the phone.  
  
"M-Matt !"  
  
- beep - beep - beep - beep - beep -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Dearest diary,  
  
There ain't any right words for it. I just cut in my arm. I had no idea ! I didn't know what to do ! I just-  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Matt dropped his head on his diary and let his tears wet the paper. The corners of the paper curled up a bit.  
  
He put his arms on the desk and slammed his head on it.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
I just didn't know what to do, diary ! I had to I HAD to !!!!!!!!!!!! I had to I had to I had to I had to I had to I had to I had to I had to I had to !!! I don't want to ! I don't want to live ! I wanna die !!! Oh God... I didn't want to... It didn't hurt. But now I have this huge mark on my arm. Bad. Very bad. I hope you don't mind there's tears and blood on you. Sorry. Tai called. I lied to him and said I was cleaning the dishes.  
  
Damn you Matt !  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Tai threw his cell phone on the table and stood up again. He wondered what made Matt so nervous. Come on, some broken plates isn't such a big deal !  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
That night...  
  
It was 2 am. Matt lay awake in his bed. He didn't know how to lie. On his back wasn't good. On his side wasn't good. On his other side wasn't good and on his belly wasn't good either. He kept turning around.  
  
Matt listened to the silence. He heard his own breathing. Very calm and controlled. But then he heard how it changed into chocking sobs.  
  
- - - Please stop crying. Please let the silence go away ! Please make it all go away ! Leave me... Leave my soul, please !!! Get out of my body, damn you ! I hate you !!! - - -  
  
- - - Who am I talking to ? - - -  
  
- - - Myself ? - - -  
  
- - - Pathetic. - - -  
  
He calmed down and closed his eyes. He thought of happy people. TK, Tai, Sora, Izzy, Mimi and all his other friends. None of them were sad. Never. And then he got his own picture in his mind. It danced in front of him.  
  
- - You're no good. - - -  
  
Matt sighed and sat straight up against the wall. He sighed again and shook his head to make it all go away.  
  
- - - The painkiller didn't really help, but I can always try to do it again. And the cut ? It wasn't so bad. No ! Liar ! It was bad ! It IS bad ! Why would you hurt yourself ?! - - -  
  
- - - No reason. - - -  
  
- - - I officially announce that Matt Ishida has gone totally wacked. - - -  
  
Matt stood up from his bed. He tried to stand on his feet but his red blanket curled up around his foot which made him fall onto the floor with a loud sound.  
  
He lay still. Matt didn't even bother to loosen the blanket and to stand up.  
  
From the corner of his eye he suddenly remarked his diary.  
  
- - - Why not ? - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Dear diary,  
  
I lay on the floor. My blanket curled up around my foot and I fell on the floor. It hurt. But I don't care. What the hell is physical pain anyway ? Pain. Yes, pain. Physical pain isn't as painfull as mental pain. Not in a thousand years ! ... Let's play a game. If I can write down 5 reasons to stand up and 5 reasons not to, and then compare them, maybe I'll make up my mind.  
  
STAND UP : I'm thirsty and want to get some water. I wanna cut myself again.  
  
- - - What the f- ? - - -  
  
I wanna take another painkiller from my mother's medicine cupboard. Hmm, good one now : I wanna call Tai.  
  
DON'T EVEN BOTHER : I'm tired. I don't wanna move. Why would I stand up ? There's no one who'd care anyway. I don't wanna get into bed again. It's way too hot inhere. And I don't wanna get up after all, so I take that as a 'NO'.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - What am I doing ? Isn't this pathetic ?! Playing games with a diary. Oh Jesus... - - -  
  
- - - Help me, please ! - - -  
  
Matt lay on the floor, his cheeks stained with tears. Why did he have to cry ? His head felt like it was pushed against a concrete wall. That headache again.  
  
He felt salt water escape from the corner of his eye and searching a way down to the ground.  
  
Matt sighed.  
  
- - - Tomorrow will get better, I promise. - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"What is he doing on the floor ?"  
  
"Matt ! Wake up !"  
  
Matt slowly opened his eyes and blinked to get his clear sight back. He turned a bit and noticed he was on the floor.  
  
"What...?"  
  
"Why are you sleeping on the floor ?" TK giggled.  
  
"I gues I fell off my bed..."  
  
"Right."  
  
"Well, come on !" TK exclaimed, pulling his older brother up.  
  
"What ?"  
  
"Have you never heard of breakfast ?" TK laughed.  
  
Matt smirked and yawned. Then he got up and runned his fingers through his blonde hair.  
  
"Do your hair later ! Come on ! Aren't you hungry ?"  
  
"Obviously not as hungry as you !"  
  
Now TK smirked.  
  
After a minute, or even less, the two of them were going down the stairs, TK a bit faster than Matt.  
  
"Morning, Matt !" A woman's voice came from the kitchen.  
  
Nancy appeared down the stairs.  
  
Matt smiled a little and mumbled 'good morning' to his mother.  
  
She offered Matt to get breakfast but Matt refused to eat anything.  
  
"What ? You never eat in the morning ?!" TK exclaimed, eyes nearly popping out of his head.  
  
"No. What's wrong with that ?!"  
  
"No wonder you're so skinny !" Nancy joked, quickly feeling sorry for that when she saw Matt's look.  
  
"I didn't mean to hurt you, Matt. Sorry."  
  
"Things like that don't hurt me, mom. But you should know when it's good to say something and when it's not. Now isn't really the right moment."  
  
Nancy forced a smile upon her face and then looked to TK, trying to get to another subject.  
  
"So you're going to Hiro in 20 minutes, sweetie ?" She said, putting a hand on TK's arm.  
  
"Yes. Till 3 pm. Sorry, Matt. I guess you're gonna be alone this afternoon."  
  
"It's ok. Do whatever you like. You're happy, I'm happy." He smirked to his younger brother.  
  
- - - Why does he always smile ? - - -  
  
But that morning, when TK had just left, wasn't exactely about to turn out the way Matt had wanted it to. Nancy had been asking annoying questions to him which made Matt very upset. While Matt sat in the couch and Nancy sat on a chair right on front of Matt, they quarreled about stupid things.  
  
"Didn't your dad ever say to you that breakfast is the most importinant meal of the day ?"  
  
"Who cares !"  
  
"I do ! I want you to grow up like a normal person. Healthy and especially happy ! And that means smiling from time to time ! Something that doesn't seem to get into your head, eh !"  
  
- - - Right, you bitch ! - - -  
  
"Mind your own business, mom !"  
  
"For God's sake ! That IS my business ! What happened is all I wanna now ! Why are you always so sad ? Did anyone hurt you ?"  
  
"No !!!"  
  
"Is it your father ? Is he never there for you ?"  
  
- - - That too, yes. - - -  
  
"No !!!"  
  
"Then WHY, Yamato ?! Why ? I just want a simple reason! That's all !"  
  
"I don't know !!!"  
  
"For the millionth time you said that !"  
  
"So ?!?"  
  
"Oh great then ! You don't know ?!"  
  
"I don't know ! Like I said ! I DON'T KNOW !!!" Matt yelled at his mother as standing up from the couch and walking to the front door.  
  
"You're not going anywhere ! Not like this, you hear me !!!"  
  
"I do whatever I like !!! It's MY business what I do ! MINE !!!" Matt screamed.  
  
"Jesus, Matt !!! Stop it !!! Immediately !"  
  
Matt shook his head and slammed the door shut so hard that it caused the painting to fall off the wall.  
  
Nancy ran to the door and pulled it back open. She followed Matt till where he had gone, not further than 2 meters, and grabbed his shirt.  
  
"You listen to me now ! You stay inside my house !!!"  
  
"You can't tell me what to do, mom !!!" Matt said, pulling away and walking further.  
  
"STAY HERE !"  
  
"Let go off me !" Matt shouted as Nancy grabbed him around his waste.  
  
Then suddenly, Matt hit his mother in her face. By accident. He turned away and his mom let go off his shirt again. They stood there, face to face, not less than a meter between them. Waiting for one to do something.  
  
Nancy cried. No sound. But Matt saw the tears flowing down her cheeks.  
  
She suddenly slammed her hand in Matt's face and then her other hand hit his cheekbone, close to his eye. He didn't move. Nancy ran back inside and yelled :  
  
"Don't even BOTHER to come back, Yamato !!!!"  
  
right before she locked the door and let Matt stand alone outside in the freezing cold.  
  
Rain came down his body and washed away the pain. A big bruise formed on his cheek and eye but that, he didn't even feel. He didn't want to.  
  
- - - I'm cold. - - -  
  
He stood there. Alone. Outside. Without any feeling of guilt, without any feeling that told him to go inside and to apologize. He felt nothing. Just as he wanted to.  
  
Inside he felt alone. But he was not afraid. He wasn't a coward.  
  
- - - Sooner or later, I'm gonna have to go back inside... - - -  
  
- - - I don't want to. - - -  
  
- - - Someone's gonna have to pull me inside, cause I refuse to go myself ! - - -  
  
Matt didn't notice that tears were coming down his cheeks with the rain. The water, the raindrops, his tears, his blood, everything plopped on the concrete ground. Matt listened to it and felt like one of those drups. Shattered into pieces after a final fall.  
  
- - - This is confusing. - - -  
  
- - - Would that mean that if I'm falling now, I'd be shattered into pieces soon ? - - -  
  
- - - Maybe... - - -  
  
- - - We'll see... No. I'll see. No one else would care anyway. - - -  
  
- - - Never forget that, Matt. - - -  
  
- - - NO ONE CARES - - - - - - NO ONE CARES - - - - - - NO ONE CARES - - -  
  
- - - NO ONE CARES - - - - - - NO ONE CARES - - - - - - NO ONE CARES - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
It was 2 pm. After about 3 hours Matt still was outside, and sat against the wall. The rain was still pouring down on him and the road. The earth turned into mudd.  
  
Even though Matt had liked someone being around now, he'd never expect that it would be Tai.  
  
"Matt ?" He suddenly heard from somewhere close.  
  
"Matt ? Is that you ?"  
  
The blonde turned his head to see a boy with brown hair standing in front of him, with a warm coat and an umbrella in his hands, squeezing his eyes because there was such a strong wind.  
  
"Hello Tai." Matt said under his breath, yet trying to act as he normally did.  
  
"How are you ?" Matt continued.  
  
Tai frowned and shook his head, saying :  
  
"What the hell are you doing outside ?!"  
  
Tai wanted to continue but stopped as he heard Matt coughing. He shook his head in disapprove.  
  
"How long have you been sitting here ?"  
  
"I don't know..." Matt said, suddenly in a more sad tone. He looked down and ran his fingers through a little puddle of rain. Then he wanted to say something more, but broke of into a coughing fit.  
  
"Let's go inside, Matt. You sound sick."  
  
"No, I'm not sick !" Matt shouted when he had recovered.  
  
"Right. I'd eat my goggles if you could prove you aren't ! Come on !" Tai said, laughing a little as pulling Matt off the ground.  
  
"Matt, your pants are soaked. Uhh...your T-shirt too..."  
  
Tai sighed.  
  
"Why are you outside in a T-shirt, for God's sake !?"  
  
Matt and Tai walked up to the door and the brunette knocked. They heard nothing.  
  
But then a sound of someone unlocking the door came from the other side of it. Nancy opened the door and gasped.  
  
"Tai ?! MATT ?! Why ? I- Why didn't you- ? I thought you'd go somewhere inside ! Jesus ! Get in !" She freaked.  
  
She nearly had shut the door before Tai had gone in.  
  
"Matt, are you ok ?"  
  
Matt didn't speak. He just looked to his mother, mentally cursing.  
  
- - - Yes, I'm fine. NOT ! - - -  
  
- - - Oh God... I thought he'd go somewhere inside ! What have I done to him ? He stayed outside for almost... 3 hours ! - - - Nancy thought.  
  
- - - Ok... I obviously missed something here. What the hell is she talking about ? - - - Tai wondered.  
  
"I'm alright, mom. Never mind." Matt mumbled, always the same sad tone in his voice.  
  
He took off his soaked shoes and threw them onto the floor, walking further to the stairs. He wandered up, coughing a little.  
  
When he almost arrived upstairs, he broke of into another coughing fit, just loud enough for Tai and Nancy to hear.  
  
Matt's mom shook her head.  
  
"Tai ? What's with Matt ? Please tell me the truth..."  
  
"I don't know, Mrs. Takaishi ! I just came here because I had nothing to do and I called him yesterday and he was acting strange, telling me he was cleaning the dishes and that he had dropped some plates so I thought-"  
  
"Ho ho... Wait... Did he say he was cleaning the dishes ? That cannot be. He lied. TK did that yesterday."  
  
"Ohh..." Tai mumbled, frowning a little.  
  
Nancy told Tai to go upstairs and to talk with Matt because she really wanted to know what was going on here and so he did. For Nancy and himself.  
  
He knocked on the door of Matt's room.  
  
"Matt ? It's me. Tai."  
  
"I don't wanna- talk !" Tai heard a voice from behind the door.  
  
"Matt. Open the door please."  
  
After a few seconds, Tai heard Matt unlocking the door.  
  
He entered.  
  
Tai saw Matt sitting on his bed. The rain outside was still pouring down, making the streets look so grey.  
  
"Matt ? Why are you crying ?"  
  
"Please- lock the door,- Tai."  
  
Tai did so, feeling so sorry for Matt.  
  
"What happened ? The truth please..."  
  
- - - How can I possibly tell him the truth ? That I cut myself 7 times in my arm and 4 times in my leg just about a minute ago ? That I think of killing myself ? That I took another painkiller from my mom ? That I hate myself ? That I hate the world ? - - -  
  
"I just... I feel so..."  
  
"Depressed ?"  
  
"I- don't know- exactely..."  
  
"Look, Matt. I've always been your best friend. And I hope you know that. I know that you're depressed from time to time and I know that you feel very sad. But like this ?"  
  
"I'm so unhappy, Tai. I'm so- unhappy..." Matt chocked.  
  
Tai didn't know what to do.  
  
"But why, Matt ? Why ???"  
  
"I don't know. I really truly don't know. It's because I am what I am ! Because- I'm so stupid ! And-"  
  
"You are not stupid, Matt !"  
  
"I am ! Look at- me, Tai ! What am I ? A miserable- piece of shit !"  
  
"Don't say that !"  
  
"I- never- smile ! I can't smile anymore !!! I-"  
  
"Stop dissing yourself !"  
  
"I hate myself ! I HATE myself !!!"  
  
"Ssshhh... Calm down !" Tai comforted Matt, walking up to him and sitting next to him.  
  
"I'm- just so- bad ! So bad ! I always diss other people ! My dad ! My mom ! I even- fight with- TK !"  
  
"You know that's normal ! I fight with Kari too ! Like all normal people do, Matt !"  
  
"Can't be ! I'm not- a- normal- person !"  
  
- - - Why am I telling him this ? - - -  
  
- - - I've seen him cry before. But not like this... - - - Tai thought, shaking his head a bit.  
  
- - - Not like this... - - -  
  
- - - What's gone wrong with me ?!! Why am I like THIS ?! - - -  
  
"Matt, you're the nicest and coolest person I've ever met in my whole life !"  
  
"Right !"  
  
- - - As if I believe that ! - - -  
  
"Tai ?" Matt asked, a little calmed down.  
  
"Yes ?"  
  
"Would you mind if I asked you to go ?"  
  
"No, not at all. But promise me you're not gonna do anything stupid !"  
  
- - - I can't. - - -  
  
- - - I can't. - - -  
  
- - - I can't. - - -  
  
- - - I can't. - - -  
  
"Ok. I promise."  
  
- - - Damn you !!! - - -  
  
"Good." Tai said, getting up to leave the room.  
  
"Thanks, Tai."  
  
"Any time." Matt heard the brunette saying, who was left by now.  
  
The door closed.  
  
Matt was alone again. Again. He dropped his arm next to him to pick up the diary that he'd thrown behind him when he'd heard Tai. It was covered in blood.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Dearest diary,  
  
Maybe I cut a little too deep. My left arm is really messed up. I nearly freaked out when I heard Tai at my door. I just threw you away, hope you don't mind. You don't. You don't have a soul after all. But you listen, and that means all to me. I feel like dying today. I don't think I can face my mom ever again. Everytime I'll see her, or dad, or TK, I'll think of the horrible cuts I give myself. Of the painkillers I stole from her. I took 6 now. And another 4 to hide in my pocket. There's mud in my head. I'm so stupid. I'm so guilty.  
  
GUILTY. LOCKED FOR LIFE.  
  
Prisoner in my own body, Matt.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
I hope y'all enjoyed again. Yes I try my best to discribe the feelings of depresssion the best I can. Thank you again for the support !!! -x-x-x- Keep reading my stories, please ! Oh and uhh... UPDATE COMING UP SOON ! (maybe tomorrow...) Oh and PLEASE tell other people to read my stories ! Thank you very much ! *kiss* ! 


	4. Black Rain

Ok, time for the next chapter. This time I used KoRn's 'Hating', check them out if you get the time ! ^^ I hope you will all enjoy and REVIEW !!! Thank you so much, people, I love you !!! -x-x-x- Mari-sama~ R and R ! ^^  
  
Black Rain - - - - - - - - - - by Mari-sama~  
  
  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
"Hating" KoRn  
  
  
  
My life is such a waste  
  
Begging on something to work this time  
  
But why can't I relate?  
  
Feeling all I do is get what's mine  
  
Holding on to faith, never gave me nothing but despair  
  
So why do I create just to be swallowed?  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
I can't take (we have a start)  
  
I can't take (we got a fantasy)  
  
Come what may (we are the stars)  
  
I can't wait (I'll take what's mine)  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Been hating all this time before I crawled inside  
  
Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find  
  
Been hating all this time too far to cross the line  
  
Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
I Cannot take this place  
  
Burning up inside this space of mine  
  
So why can't I replace, feelings I find hard to really find?  
  
I try but I can't taste  
  
Memories they always fuck with me  
  
So why do I create just to be swallowed?  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
I can't take (we have a start)  
  
I can't take (we got a fantasy)  
  
Come what may (we are the stars)  
  
I can't wait (I'll take what's mine)  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Been hating all this time before I crawled inside  
  
Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find  
  
Been hating all this time too far to cross the line  
  
Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find,  
  
find, find, find, find, find, find, find  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
All my feelings have been eating onto me  
  
Feed inside, is there something wrong  
  
with me?  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
I can't take (we have a start)  
  
I can't take (we got a fantasy)  
  
Come what may (we are the stars)  
  
I can't wait (I'll take what's mine)  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Been hating all this time before I crawled inside  
  
Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find  
  
Been hating all this time too far to cross the line  
  
Been hating all the faces of everything that I could find,  
  
find, find, find, find, find, find, find  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
- - - Oh no. - - -  
  
- - - School. - - -  
  
Yes, it was school again. The week with Nancy and TK was over. It had been fun, except for all the crying, cutting, yelling and seeking for redemption that, according to Matt, would never come.  
  
But now, he was absolutely sure it would never ever come. School was hell. Today was gonna be one of the most hated days of Matt's school year. Even though he was prepared for everything. He had brought 3 painkillers, his pocket-knife and his diary.  
  
- - - You never know. - - -  
  
- - - Maybe I need it. - - -  
  
Matt made his way through the streets of Odaiba, looking down and mentally dissing all the 'normal' people. The sky looked really dark. And it was cold. Very cold. He turned around another corner, thinking of what school was gonna be like today. Bad ? Good ? Fun ? Boring ?  
  
- - - If I feel really bad, I can always lock myself in the bathroom. - - -  
  
"Hey Matt !" the blonde suddenly heard.  
  
To his surprise, it wasn't the voice he thought it was gonna be. It was a sweet girly voice. Kari.  
  
- - - I wanna avoid her, but she's so friendly. And besides, she'd never notice the marks. - - -  
  
- - - Gee... I have over 40 marks on my arm now... - - -  
  
"Hi Kari." Matt said, not in a happy tone, not in a sad one either.  
  
"You mind if I walk along with you ?"  
  
"No, of course not !"  
  
Kari smiled to Matt.  
  
"Tai's gonna be so late !" she told him, laughing a bit, "He spilled his cornflakes all over his pants and he couldn't find any new !"  
  
She laughed. Matt laughed too, even though it was as fake as Mimi's pink hair color.  
  
"So... Matt ? How was the weekend with TK ?"  
  
- - - How does she know ? Oh... Tai... - - -  
  
"Well... it was great fun. But it rained all the time so we couldn't go outside, of course."  
  
Kari nodded in agreement.  
  
"Hey, Matt ?"  
  
"What ?"  
  
"Did you- ? Well... uhh... ? Is it-"  
  
"True ? That my mom left me outside in the rain ?"  
  
"Yes..."  
  
"Yeah, it's true." Matt said.  
  
Kari could feel the sorrow in his voice and put her hand on his shoulder.  
  
"Hey... It's gonna get all better !"  
  
"Right ! As if I believe that !" Matt snapped.  
  
Kari was a little taken back when she heard Matt snapping at her.  
  
"Kari, ohh... I'm sorry ! I just..."  
  
"You don't wanna talk about it right now ?"  
  
"I just don't like talking about problems."  
  
"Everybody has them."  
  
"Well, I can't."  
  
The conversation about Matt's problems was obviously over.  
  
- - - Why is he so... so... sad ? - - - Kari thought.  
  
- - - Why does she want to know all this ? It's my business ! Mind your own, Kari ! - - -  
  
- - - She nearly sounds like Tai. - - -  
  
Kari and continued their journey to school, not talking to each other. Just thinking.  
  
- - - Is she staring at me ? - - -  
  
- - - I think he sees... God ! Kari ! Stop staring at him ! For God's sake ! Forget about it ! He's 14 years old ! That's way too old for you... You're only 11. - - -  
  
- - - I need a painkiller. Yes. Later, Matt. Later. Controle yourself a bit. Everything will be fine when you're at school. - - -  
  
- - - Don't make false promises to yourself, Matt ! - - -  
  
- - - I wanna cut. I feel like cutting myself. - - -  
  
Matt couldn't leave it. He preciously opened the buttons of his shirt and pulled his left sleeve up a bit. Just far enough to see the red cuts that sent chills down his spine everytime he looked at them. He felt them. He touched the marks. One of them was still bleeding a bit.  
  
- - That's the one I gave myself this morning. - - -  
  
- - - What's he doing ? - - - Kari thought, looking at Matt who was trying to close the buttons of his shirt again.  
  
"Wait, I'll help." Kari said, taking Matt by his arm.  
  
"No !" Matt yelled, pulling his arm back.  
  
"What ? I just tried to help !"  
  
"It's ok. Sorry for yelling at you. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry."  
  
"It's ok, Matt."  
  
- - - Ok, HE is acting strange ! - - - Kari thought.  
  
They came at the school building. When they went to the lockers, Kari noticed Matt was acting nervous. He finally found his key after searching in his backpack and his jacket to find them in his pants.  
  
- - - Silly me ! - - -  
  
Kari said 'bye' to Matt and went off to her own locker, where she met Tai after a few minutes. They said 'hi', Tai tried to take Kari's candy bar and then finally got a piece. Like always. Kari told Tai about Matt acting so strange so Tai decided to talk with the blonde, even though he didn't really look forward to it, cause he was probably just gonna be avoid by Matt or worse... Matt would get upset and blah blah...  
  
"Hi Matt !" Tai said, patting Matt on his shoulder.  
  
"Oh, hi Tai." Matt said, not really seeming interested.  
  
"Wazzup ?"  
  
"Nothing much. Did you make those exercices we had to prepair ?"  
  
"Yeah, sure. Here !" Tai said to Matt, already taking them from his backpack.  
  
"I didn't say I needed them. I just wanted to inform wether you made them or not, that's all."  
  
"Ok, ok ! Sorry !" Tai said, crossing his arms and leaning against a locker.  
  
Matt didn't speak.  
  
"Matt ? Are you still sick ? I mean-"  
  
"No. I'm not sick anymore. I know what you mean, but I don't really wanna talk about it." Matt fake smiled.  
  
"Ok... Do you wanna talk about anything ?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Anything at all ?"  
  
"No ! Jesus ! Just shut up, will ya !" Matt shouted.  
  
"Wow, sorry to bother you, Mr. Populair !" Tai snapped out at Matt.  
  
At this, Matt closed his backpack and walked away from Tai, exactely knowing where to go. The bathroom.  
  
"Wait ! Matt !!!" Tai called after him, not getting anything in response, except some weird looks from other kids.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Matt ran into the bathroom. He shut the door and locked it, quickly throwing all his stuff on the table.  
  
- - - Come on ! Faster ! - - - He told himself, finding all what he needed.  
  
He filled a glass with water and put the painkiller in it. His hands were shaking. He was trembling all over. He felt so guilty when he took the glass of the table and quickly drank it after having a last look at the white liquid.  
  
- - - Here we go again. - - -  
  
- - - And again. And again. - - -  
  
- - - Again. Again. Again. - - -  
  
Then he took his pocket-knife from the table and runned the blade through his own skin. He didn't feel the pain. But his arm did. The blood flew over the white table, into the lavabo. And then he gave himself another cut. He pulled his shirt up and ran the tin blade again, through the smooth skin of his belly. This was a big cut. It reached from his side to the middle of his belly.  
  
"WHY ?!!" he yelled as pushing the blade in his side, not running it through, just pushing it in.  
  
- - - STOP !!! - - -  
  
"It hurts..." he whispered to himself, begging himself for mercy.  
  
- - - STOP !!! - - -  
  
"Please !"  
  
This hurt. This hurt him very much. Finally, after about 8 seconds, he pulled the blade out, observing, seeing the blood spread on it.  
  
"Why... ?"  
  
"Why me ?"  
  
"Why this ?" Matt whispered, nearly crying.  
  
- - - My throat hurts. - - -  
  
* KNOCK * KNOCK *  
  
Matt froze.  
  
"Matt ? Are you inhere ?" he heard, exactely knowing who it were.  
  
"Matt !"  
  
Sora and Mimi.  
  
- - - Great. - - - he thought to himself, mentally cursing.  
  
"What ?" Matt shouted, trying to sound like he normally did.  
  
"What are you doing ?"  
  
"What ? Me ?"  
  
"Yeah !"  
  
Matt quickly washed the blood from the knife and put everything into his backpack again.  
  
- - - Shit. Shit. Shit. This is so bad. SO bad. - - -  
  
He was ready, took a deep breath and unlocked the door.  
  
"Hi Matt. What were you doing in there ?"  
  
"Nothing much." He told them as passing them both.  
  
"Look, I gotta go. Talk to you guys later !" he shouted, turning around the corner.  
  
"Ok... What was THAT ?" Mimi said, frowning to where Matt had gone.  
  
"Just leave him. Tai told us he's feeling depressed, eh ? And you know how he is like then... right ?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Come on." Sora said, pulling Mimi with her.  
  
- - - What WAS going on ? - - - Sora asked herself, also wondering.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Matt sat in class, together with Sora and Tai. Tai was constantly throwing weird looks and smiles to Matt, as if he tried to make him feel better for some reason.  
  
Matt took his diary and shove it under his math book. He opened it and carefully read every word he'd been writing into it. Then he took a pencil and started to write something down.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Dear diary,  
  
I'm sitting in class and wondering about how stupid I must be ! I'm writing in my diary in the middle of a lesson ! Stupid me ! I just cut myself again. In my arm and in my belly. The cut in my belly is gonna be a big scar, I'm sure about that. And then I did something very stupid. I pushed the blade of my pocket-knife right into my side. It hurt like shit !!! I can still feel coming blood out of it. My white shirt is all messed up and red, but luckily it doesn't go through my blazer. Very, very luckily. Fortunately, I took another painkiller, which does make me feel better now. I gotta go. Sorry. Talk to you later. I HATE MYSELF !!!!!!!!!!  
  
Matt, the Confused.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Since that day, two weeks had passed, and yet, Matt wasn't feeling any better. It had only became worse, and now, he couldn't even get through the day without cutting himself or taking some painkillers. At least two, then. His inner rage had only became much, much worse ! Worser than he'd ever could've imagine. And now he fought with the idea of killing himself...  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Dearest diary,  
  
I'm SO gonna kill myself ! I HATE myself ! I can't take the reflection in the mirror anymore !!! I wanna be somebody else ! So bad ! Look at me now ! I'm crying, writing in my diary in the bathroom in school !!! FUCK !!! LIFE SUCKS !!  
  
Matt.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Matt threw the empty box of painkillers to the floor and smashed it with his foot. He had given all his precious money to this, cause stealing so much from the medicine cupboard, wouldn't stay unremarked.  
  
He had already given himself several cuts. His body was all scar now. It looked so horrible. Wherever he pulled his shirt up, or opened a button, he saw the red marks, spread all over his beautiful body.  
  
- - - I'm fucking myself up ! - - -  
  
Matt had lost some weight, which caused him to look pale and skinnier than he already was. And that made others worry about him, of course.  
  
"Hey Sora !" Tai called after the red head, walking down the school hall to her locker with Mimi.  
  
"What ?" Sora asked, always smiling.  
  
"Would you please come to the soccer field after school ?"  
  
"Ok, why ?"  
  
"We need to talk about something." Tai stated, very serious.  
  
"Ok..." Mimi said, a little suspicious.  
  
"What is it all about ? You seem to be so serious ?"  
  
"You'll hear it then. Sorry, I can't say it here."  
  
"Do we have to tell Matt ? Or Joe ?"  
  
"No ! Don't tell Matt ! And the others already know."  
  
"Why- ?"  
  
"Especially DON'T tell anything to Matt !" Tai whispered, walking away.  
  
When Tai was gone, Mimi and Sora gave each other strange looks.  
  
"What do you think this is all about ?" Mimi asked Sora, still very confused.  
  
"Matt."  
  
"Matt ? What has he done wrong ?"  
  
"I think I know."  
  
"Then what ?"  
  
"I'm not sure, but I think he's on drugs..."  
  
Mimi gasped and almost screamed.  
  
Her eyes grew wide.  
  
"WHAT ?! Matt ? On drugs ?! No !" Mimi exclaimed.  
  
"Ssshh !!!"  
  
"No... You really think so ?"  
  
"Yes, actually I do..."  
  
"How long ?"  
  
"You also noticed how pale and skinny he became, eh ? You said it yourself."  
  
"Yeah, but that's not a reason for him to be on drugs. Are you sure ?"  
  
"I don't know... I don't wanna assume anything but..."  
  
"What ?"  
  
"I've read in a magazine, that people who are on drugs also get a bit anti- social and you know Matt-"  
  
"Yeah... Maybe... No ! It can't be true !"  
  
"I know, there's a chance. So let us not assume things, ok ? And don't tell anything to anyone about this, ok ? Mimi ?"  
  
"I promise." She said.  
  
They both stared at Matt when he passed them.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
After school...  
  
Izzy was walking to the soccer field as suddenly he felt someone tapping him on his shoulder.  
  
"Hi Davis !" Izzy said, quickly turning around.  
  
"What are you doing here ?"  
  
"Nothing. Just passing you and saying 'hi', that's all..." Davis mumbled.  
  
"Sorry. Say 'hi' to Jun from me !" Izzy shouted as Davis walked further.  
  
- - - Ohh... I thought he was also 'invited' ! Luckily not... - - - Izzy thought to himself, watching Davis.  
  
When he came at the cafetaria, where they usually met, he saw Tai, Sora, Mimi and Joe waiting for him.  
  
"Hello Izzy." They all greeted.  
  
"Hi. So uhh... What's going on, Tai ?"  
  
"And WHY could Matt not come with us ?"  
  
"It's about him, isn't it ?"  
  
"What's wrong ?"  
  
"Please all be quiet !!!" Joe suddenly exclaimed, trying to keep some silence.  
  
"It's about Matt, indeed..." he said, looking down.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Heh heh... sorry for this 'cliffy' ending, again. I hope y'all enjoyed and uhh... again THANK YOU for all those reviews. I really appreciate. Uhh... I hope nobody had a problem with the cutting scene ? -x-x-x- Mari-sama~ 


	5. Drowning

Hi everybody ! Again thank you so much for the reviews ! I love you all ! Thank you ! So... on with the story, right ? This lyric is from TATU (you know, the lesbian girls), but I like them very much. This is a Russian song, as they are Russian, but I put the translated version here. Check them out, you really should ! They're cool. Uhh... what else... Oh yeah...  
  
DISCLAIMER (I think I forgot in the 4th chapter...) : I do NOT own Digimon.  
  
ENJOY !!! -x-x-x- Mari-sama~  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
  
  
Drowning - - - - - - - - - - by Mari-sama~  
  
  
  
  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
30 minutes - t.A.T.u.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
cry and run away  
  
or lock the door  
  
keep silence and lie  
  
studying the ceiling...  
  
dream not like everybody  
  
kiss the heaven  
  
ceiling is a carousel  
  
half an hour, half an hour...  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
half an our and trains crash  
  
half an hour is not your lane  
  
half an hour not a question  
  
not an answer half an hour  
  
half an hour without you half an hour  
  
half an hour he and I half an hour  
  
each of us each of us half an hour  
  
goes to his own address half an hour  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
felt down and like everyone  
  
like in a dream  
  
I'm not me  
  
it's not my carousel  
  
and not my dream...  
  
smoke or unhappiness  
  
or rain on my eyes  
  
I'll come back, I'll come back  
  
half an hour half an hour ...  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
half an our and trains crash  
  
half an hour is not your lane  
  
half an hour not a question  
  
not an answer half an hour  
  
half an hour without you half an hour  
  
half an hour he and i half an hour  
  
each of us each of us half an hour  
  
goes to his own address  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
half an hour ...  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
  
  
Tai sighed and paused a few seconds.  
  
"It is about him..."  
  
The rest didn't speak. They all stared. To Tai, to the ground...  
  
Sora sighed too and asked :  
  
"What's wrong ?"  
  
She still thought Matt was on drugs. And that she couldn't believe.  
  
"I don't know if we should help him but I think we better do. I don't know either if I should tell you this but it sounded very importinant to me and if you'd go thr-"  
  
"Tai. Just tell us."  
  
"Alright..." he paused, not knowing how to tell his friends.  
  
"He... I saw... something."  
  
The others frowned.  
  
"Something I wasn't supposed to see, I guess."  
  
"What did you see, Tai ?" Joe asked, wondering.  
  
"You're not gonna believe me but-"  
  
"Tai ? Is he on drugs ?" Sora suddenly asked, not able to wait any longer.  
  
"No, Sora. No drugs."  
  
Sora sighed in relief. Mimi did too, after all, Sora had told her about this and she was worried too.  
  
Now nobody thought of something as bad as drugs anymore, so what the hell could it be ? Not SUCH a big problem.  
  
They were all wrong. It was a major problem.  
  
"Matt cuts himself." Tai suddenly spat out.  
  
Sora thought she stopped breathing for a moment. The rest froze.  
  
"W-wha ?" Mimi brought out, still not able to believe it.  
  
"That would mean Matt is a... cutter ?" Izzy asked, a little unsure.  
  
"Yes. Exactely. That means he is a cutter. That he cuts himself and also that he is a total idiot. And stupid. Stupid !"  
  
"Tai ! Calm down..." Joe said, trying to get the conversation under controle.  
  
"Are you sure ?" he asked when Tai had stopped yelling.  
  
"Yes, practically sure."  
  
"How'd you know ?"  
  
"I saw him in the bathroom."  
  
"What ?! THAT's what he did in there ?!" Mimi exclaimed.  
  
"Oh God ! I should've known ! I-"  
  
"Mimi, it's not your fault ! It's nobody's fault but his !" Tai shouted, then continued :  
  
"I saw him cut himself in the bathroom. I can prove it. Here. Look at this." Tai said, taking something out of his backpack.  
  
He pulled out a bloody handkerchief.  
  
"Oh my God..."  
  
"This isn't Matt's blood is it ?"  
  
"Sora, it is." Tai said.  
  
"How can we help him ?"  
  
"I don't know, Izzy... I don't know anymore..."  
  
"Hey..." Izzy put a hand on Tai's shoulder.  
  
"He'll get better. He'll be fine."  
  
"This isn't right. This just isn't right. All my life, I've seen Matt as the cool guy, everything under controle. Cold as ice. No problems, nothing to worry about. Well, he DID have problems, but always hid them from everyone around him. He was totally controlled and never showed his emotions. In fact, some days I even thought he didn't have any. And now I see I'm all wrong..."  
  
Tai sighed when he was finished.  
  
"I know, I know... Someone's gotta tell him."  
  
"I think you should, Tai. He trusts you more than us."  
  
"Me ?"  
  
"Yeah, you really have to tell him." Sora said.  
  
"How else can we help him if he doesn't even know that we know ?" She continued.  
  
"Ok. I'll tell him."  
  
"Go over to his place this evening."  
  
"Ok, why not ? You're all right. But who will tell TK ?"  
  
"I...-I don't know but... maybe we better not tell him."  
  
"And what about Kari ?" Mimi suddenly remarked.  
  
"Why isn't she here ?"  
  
"She- That's personal. Sorry, I can't tell you guys now." Tai stuttered.  
  
"But-"  
  
"Look, Sora. I uhh... I gotta go. I'm sorry..."  
  
Tai walked away, and the rest wondered about Kari not being there.  
  
- - - Oh God... Why did I tell them in the first place ? - - - Tai thought.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Matt sat on his bed. He looked at his window. All grey outside. The horizon formed a black line. He didn't even wanna think about anything. Why did this happen ?  
  
- - - Why ? - - -  
  
That was the only thing that went through his mind. All day long, he'd been thinking of something else, but now it was gone.  
  
- - - I wanna disappear. - - -  
  
He still didn't wanna think. He touched the glass with his fingers. It felt cold.  
  
It was 3 weeks now. 3 weeks ago he had cut himself for the first time.  
  
He doubt he'd ever stop doing it, something that he wanted so bad.  
  
The blood. To see the blood and to touch it made him feel a bit better, even though he still hurt.  
  
Matt was in such a deep pain. Nobody could help him, nobody knew, and nobody could.  
  
- - - I should die. I should die. - - -  
  
Matt ruffled in his backpack and took out a knife. His pocket-knife. Something that had been the most hated and most loved item in these 3 weeks now.  
  
- - - Don't worry. It'll be over soon. It'll be over soon. - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Tai was walking over to Matt's apartment. While he did so, he kept on thinking about what he'd seen. In the bathroom in school. It was horrible.  
  
* * * FLASHBACK * * *  
  
Tai heard Matt coming in and quickly hid himself behind the door. He saw Matt taking out several things out of his backpack but couldn't see what it exactely was. But when he saw that Matt started to cry and that he pushed the blade of a knife in his own skin, Tai nearly freaked out. Right on time, he had been able to stop himself before starting to yell. When Matt left the bathroom, Tai didn't move. He wandered to the lavabo, where the last bits of Matt's red blood were flushed away...  
  
* * * END OF FLASHBACK * * *  
  
Tai walked further and with every step he took, he felt more and more guilty for not stopping Matt when he had the chance to. Guilty for not seeing it before. When Matt had taken off his blazer and pulled the sleeves of his shirt, Tai had seen all the marks, and according to him, it wasn't just one little scar...  
  
- - - Gee Matt... - - -  
  
- - - This isn't good. - - -  
  
Tai turned around a corner.  
  
- - - I need to get there real fast. What if he... ? - - -  
  
- - - NO ! - - -  
  
Tai started running. Why didn't he think of this before ? He quickly ran through the bad weather of Odaiba. Not because he didn't want to get wet. But because there was a chance that there was something really bad happening to his best friend at this moment.  
  
He arrived at the apartment block. The brunette quickly went to the elevator and pushed the '7th FLOOR' button.  
  
It couldn't go fast enough for him.  
  
- - - Faster ! - - -  
  
He was there. Finally.  
  
- - - Shit. Don't want to be here. - - -  
  
- - - Don't want to be here. - - -  
  
Yet he was, and it was for the best. For Matt's sake.  
  
Tai slowly walked to Matt's apartment door. It was closed.  
  
- - - A closed door ? Good or bad sign ? - - -  
  
He knocked.  
  
- - - Open the door, Matt. Please. - - -  
  
- - - Please be here, Matt. - - -  
  
- - - Be here. - - -  
  
- - - Please hear me. - - -  
  
"Matt ! It's me ! Tai !"  
  
No response.  
  
Tai called Matt again. Only much louder this time.  
  
"MATT ! OPEN THE DOOR ! MATT !!!"  
  
"Hey you there. Maybe he's not at home." An unfamiliair voice suddenly spoke from behind Tai.  
  
"Hi there." It said again when Tai turned around.  
  
Tai saw an old lady standing in the corridor, waiting for Tai to say something.  
  
"H-hello. Do you know where he is at the moment ?"  
  
"No, boy. I have no idea. Why ?"  
  
"I need to talk to him."  
  
"Maybe you should wait here for him."  
  
"I need to see him now. Look, this is very urgent."  
  
"Maybe he is at home after all..."  
  
"What do you mean ?"  
  
"He's been acting very strange lately, so maybe he just won't open the door."  
  
"How do you know Matt ?"  
  
"Let's say... for me, he's just a strange boy next-door, you know ?"  
  
"Yeah... Why'd he be strange ?"  
  
"I don't know, but I hear them always fighting."  
  
"Matt and his dad ?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"They fight a lot ?"  
  
"Yes, all the time !"  
  
"Do you go to his apartment from time to time ?"  
  
"Yeah, sometimes. It's really messy in there so sometimes I offer to help, you know ?"  
  
"Yeah, I see. Did you notice anything weird ?"  
  
"No, not really. Perhaps..."  
  
"What ?"  
  
"Matt doesn't look so good. He's still very pretty, but he looks so pale and sick, and he is skinnier than ever."  
  
"Yeah I know..."  
  
"I know the Ishidas since Matt was born so I can tell you : he's changed."  
  
"They live here for so long ?"  
  
"Yeah, when Matt was born, they bought this place. His parents were still together then. God, am I happy that they got a divorce !"  
  
"Why'd that be good ?"  
  
"The noise was unbearable !"  
  
"Oh, I see... So... Do you have a spare key or anything to open the door ?"  
  
"Yes, I always had one."  
  
"Could you pl-"  
  
The lady smiled.  
  
"I'll be right back."  
  
Tai was nervous. For some reason, he felt like something was wrong.  
  
"Here you go." The old lady said as she handed over a key to Tai.  
  
He quickly unlocked the door and went in...  
  
The apartment was dark. There was no light.  
  
"Hello ! Matt ! It's me !" Tai shouted. His voice echoed back. It was a big apartment.  
  
He went to the kitchen, afraid to find... something.  
  
Nobody there.  
  
"Hello ? Matt ?" he said, very quiet, more to himself than to Matt.  
  
- - - I don't think he's at home. - - -  
  
"I don't think he's here." Tai said to the lady. She was still following him.  
  
"Maybe he's upstairs ?"  
  
"I'll go see, could you please put some light on ? I don't wanna fall from the stairs."  
  
Tai waited for the sound of the lightswitch. CLICK.  
  
He went to the stairs where he carefully took one step after another, observing the apartment.  
  
"Matt ?" he asked again.  
  
- - - ... - - -  
  
- - - It's too quiet. - - -  
  
He continued. Tai's heart was racing and it wouldn't stop before he surely knew his friend was or wasn't here.  
  
- - - Please don't be here, Matt. Be with TK, safe in your mother's house. Or outside, in the mall ? Anywhere but here. - - -  
  
The wood cracked under Tai's feet. That, he never even noticed until today.  
  
"It's me... Tai..." Tai whispered, afraid to disturb the creepy silence.  
  
He walked over to the bathroom where he first put the lightswitch on and then looked around.  
  
- - - No one's here. - - - he thought to himself.  
  
- - - Why is it so damn quiet ?! - - -  
  
- - - Oh no ! His bedroom !!! - - -  
  
Tai thought he wasn't breathing for a moment.  
  
Even though there was no time to lose now, Tai was moveless.  
  
Then he began to move again, towards Matt's bedroom door. Tai got very nervous because of the silence.  
  
- - - Come on... - - - Tai thought.  
  
He didn't wanna know what was gonna happen now. He wished that he could stop the time at this moment and skip all this.  
  
- - - Come on... - - - He repeated to himself.  
  
He wandered to the door, and knocked.  
  
"Matt ? It's me..." Tai whispered, on the verge of tears.  
  
"Open the door, please..."  
  
Tai didn't wanna believe it.  
  
He bit his lip as he took the doorknob and turned it till he heard it click open. Then he slowly pushed the door open with his foot. This seemed like ages to him, even if it only took about a second to go inside the room. For all his life, he'd gone to Matt's house so much and now it seemed like he didn't recognize anything anymore.  
  
He looked up. His eyes observed the area. From the floor to the wall they went. Tai looked around him and saw Matt on his bed, turned with his back to Tai.  
  
"No. This is not true." Tai whispered to himself.  
  
He walked over to the bed and ran his hand through Matt's blonde hair. Tai felt Matt's face with his hand. It was warm. He could perfectely imagine how he looked. Tai turned Matt around. His eyes were very wide and stared at nothing.  
  
"This is not true, right ? Tell me I'm dreaming. You're..."  
  
Tai stopped as Matt's arm fell off the bed.  
  
Blood. The red liquid flew over Matt's skinny hand, to the floor.  
  
Tai stood up, saying :  
  
"Wait here, Matt. I'll be right back," and ran downstairs.  
  
The lady was still in the living room.  
  
"And ?"  
  
"Would you please do me a favour and call 911 ?" Tai said, no emotion in his voice, but tears streaming down his cheeks.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
TK sat on Kari's bed. They were talking about stuff. Even though they were supposed to do their homework together.  
  
"So you tried to flush Tai's goggles down the toilet ?"  
  
"Yeah ! I mean, come on ! He was annoying me ! And besides, I was only 6 years old."  
  
TK laughed, so did Kari.  
  
"But he pulled them out, of course. Right on time, like always."  
  
"Yeah, that's how we know him, eh ?"  
  
Kari giggled in response.  
  
TK sighed.  
  
"You want anything more to eat ?" Kari asked him, standing up from the floor, where all their stuff was spread out.  
  
"Yeah sure."  
  
"Ok, wait here. I'll be right back !" Kari shouted, running down the stairs.  
  
Suddenly, when TK was about to stand up too, his cell phone rang.  
  
It still rang.  
  
- - - Who'd this be ? - - -  
  
He took his cell phone out off his pocket and read 'HOME' on the screen.  
  
"Hello ?"  
  
"TK, it's me."  
  
TK sensed fear in his mother's voice.  
  
"Mom ? What's wrong ?"  
  
"You have to come home, immediately !"  
  
"What ?"  
  
His mother's voice was... empty.  
  
"What's wrong, mom ?"  
  
"I'll come over there to pick you up, ok ?"  
  
"What happened ?!"  
  
"I'll tell you when I get there !"  
  
CLICK. TK's mom had hooked up the phone.  
  
"Mom !" TK shouted down his phone, not that it made any difference...  
  
"What's wrong ?" he suddenly heard Kari saying.  
  
"My mom just called and..."  
  
"Did something happened ?" Kari asked TK, noticing the emptyness in his voice too.  
  
"I don't know... I think so. She was so..."  
  
"Is she gonna pick you up ?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
With that, TK stood up, and Kari put down the bowl she had in her hands.  
  
They both went downstairs.  
  
"Do you have to go home already, TK ?" Mrs. Kamiya asked, not knowing TK's mom had just called.  
  
"Yeah, my mom's gonna pick me up."  
  
"But you came by bike !"  
  
"I know. She just called me. Something happened but she didn't wanna say what through the phone."  
  
"Ohh..." Kari and Tai's mom said, not knowing what to answer.  
  
After a minute or 2, someone rang the doorbell. TK's heart froze for a moment and then started racing.  
  
"Hi, Nancy." He heard Mrs. Kamiya saying from the hall.  
  
Then some things followed, but TK couldn't understand what they were saying.  
  
"He's here." He heard from Mrs. Kamiya then.  
  
TK quickly stood up and looked up to his mother. Her face was... different. She looked as if she could break down in tears every second.  
  
"TK, something happened to Matt."  
  
TK swallowed.  
  
He felt Kari's hand on his shoulder as his mother was gonna continue.  
  
"What happened to him ?" TK said, with a hoarse voice, filled with fear.  
  
He was shaking all over.  
  
"Matt... He uhh... He's in the hospital, sweetie."  
  
TK's eyes grew wide and filled with tears. He tried not to cry, but so much thoughts ran through his head.  
  
- - - He's not dead, is he ? - - -  
  
"Did he...make it ?"  
  
Nancy swallowed.  
  
"He did, TK. He did. But it was close-" Nancy started to cry, her voice was shaking.  
  
She walked over to TK and TK to her. They hugged each other. Tears came down from TK and Nancy's eyes. Nancy sobbed. Kari had loosen TK now, and went to her own mom, who stood still. Her mom put her arm around Kari. The brunette girl looked up to her mother, as if she asked 'is he gonna be fine ?' and her mom nodded, but not very sure.  
  
"What happened, mom ?"  
  
"Matt tried to...  
  
- - - kill himself... - - -  
  
"kill himself..."  
  
"But why, mom ? Why ?! WHY ?" TK yelled, crying.  
  
"I don't know, TK, I don't know..."  
  
"I'll drive you to the hospital. You can leave your car here, Nancy." They suddenly heard from Tai and Kari's mother.  
  
"Thank you." Nancy sobbed.  
  
"Tai found him. You don't know how- gratefull I- am..."  
  
Now Kari's mother put her hand before her mouth and gasped a little.  
  
"Oh God..."  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Nancy and Mrs. Kamiya came at the hospital, together with Kari and TK.  
  
The further they went, the more Kari started to realize what happened. Tears flew from her cheeks, too.  
  
"It's room number 288." Nancy said after she came back from the reception.  
  
She hadn't gone in yet either, so she was as afraid as TK and Kari.  
  
They took the elevator and not to everybody's surprise, the 2nd floor was the ICU. Kari felt she was gonna burst out in tears. Her body was shaking. And her eyes stung a little.  
  
- - - Not this... This can't be happening... Not now... - - - She told herself.  
  
It stopped, and they walked out. TK looked around and all he could see through the windows, were people about to die.  
  
Yet, he didn't cry. He felt nothing. He didn't even think. The only thing he did was breathing.  
  
Then they came at Matt's room.  
  
| 288 |  
  
They read on the plate on the white door.  
  
They opened the door.  
  
"TK, you wait here with Kari and her mother, ok ?"  
  
TK didn't wanna wait at all, but did so.  
  
Nancy disappeared behind the door. She didn't even look back.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
  
  
So... what did you think ? It's a kind of a cliffhanger ending again (totally not...), but that's the only way to make sure you'll keep reading ! Update coming soon, BUT I'm going somewhere with our class, so I won't be here for 4 days, so umm... You guys are gonna have to wait. SORRY !!! Anyway... I hope you enjoyed ! Please review and tell me what you think about this chapter. It's a 'turn' in the story, eh ? So uhh... Review ? ... Thanks !!! Much Love And *kiss*es -x-x-x- Mari-sama~ 


	6. On The Verge Of A Waterfall

This is the next chapter (finally !) ! Sorry that it took so long but as I told you, I was someplace else. So I couldn't finish this chapter. Pff...OK. On with the story. I hope you still know what happened. THANK YOU for all the reviews !!! They're so much support ! When I'm writing now, I think of all of you who want me to finish and that gives me strength to write on !!! ^^ Thank you thank you thank you thank you ! In this chapter, as a lyric, I used Kate Winslet's 'What If'. Maybe if you hear it on the radio, it sounds like a love song (which, in fact, it is -_-) but if you read the text really carefully, you'll see that it's perfect for my story. Only 'man' should be 'guy' or 'boy'. Ok, ok. I said everything. Please R and R !  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
  
  
On The Verge Of A Waterfall --------( by Mari-sama.  
  
  
  
  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
What If - Kate Winslet  
  
  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Here I stand alone  
  
With this weight upon my heart  
  
And it will not go away  
  
In my head I keep on looking back  
  
Right back to the start  
  
Wondering what it was that made you change  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Well I tried  
  
But I had to draw the line  
  
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
What if I had never let you go  
  
Would you be the man I used to know  
  
If I'd stayed  
  
If you'd tried  
  
If we could only turn back time  
  
But I guess we'll never know  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Many roads to take  
  
Some to joy  
  
Some to heart-ache  
  
Anyone can lose their way  
  
And if I said that we could turn it back  
  
Right back to the start  
  
Would you take the chance and make the change  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Do you think how it would have been sometimes  
  
Do you pray that I'd never left your side  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
What if I had never let you go  
  
Would you be the man I used to know  
  
If I'd stayed  
  
If you'd tried  
  
If we could only turn back time  
  
But I guess we'll never know  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
If only we could turn the hands of time  
  
If I could take you back would you still be mine  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
'Cos I tried  
  
But I had to draw the line  
  
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
What if I had never let you go  
  
Would you be the man I used to know  
  
What if I had never walked away  
  
'Cos I still love you more than I can say  
  
If I'd stayed  
  
If you'd tried  
  
If we could only turn back time  
  
But I guess we'll never know  
  
We'll never know  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
"He feels cold." Nancy cried, touching Matt's cheek.  
  
"Yes, he's suffering anemia." The doctor said.  
  
"Anemia ?"  
  
"Yes, he lost too much blood."  
  
"What's gonna happen now ?" Nancy said, tears filling her voice.  
  
"He's remaining comatose until he's a bit stronger."  
  
"Why should he remain comatose ?"  
  
"Because his body has lost way too much blood and now he'd only feel bad and weak so it's the best that we let him like this."  
  
"How long ?"  
  
"One week."  
  
"One week ?!" Nancy exclaimed.  
  
"Yes, his heart had nearly stopped beating. His blood wasn't flowing through his body anymore. And his heart has to recover now."  
  
"Oh God..."  
  
"Do I have to leave you alone with him for a while ?"  
  
"Yes, that's ok." Nancy said, blinking tears back.  
  
The doctor left the room and shut the door very softly.  
  
- - - Why, Matt ? - - -  
  
- - - Why would you do something like this ? - - -  
  
- - - And the cuts... - - -  
  
- - - And the painkillers. - - -  
  
"Why did you do this !?!" Nancy yelled to her son.  
  
Matt was as white as a sheet. His lips had a blue white color which made him look dead. And his closed eyes were all red.  
  
Nancy took Matt's left arm from under the blanket and touched the scars with her fingers.  
  
"Why did you do this... ?" Nancy whispered.  
  
She looked at the bandage around his wrist.  
  
"Didn't it hurt you ?"  
  
She went to sit on the bed, and hugged him. Only a small hug, cause it was impossible to hug him tight without pulling the tubes loose.  
  
"You- didn't you know that I love you ?" Nancy cried.  
  
"If you had been dead I-I Oh God ! If you'd been dead..."  
  
Tears streamed down Nancy's cheeks. Matt didn't move, he didn't cry, he just lay in the bed, with tubes and other stuff, making him look so dead.  
  
"You're comatose. I don't know if you hear me, but the doctors keep telling me to talk to you. Even though you can't answer. And I have so much questions for you, Matt... And TK... he didn't see you yet. I can't let him see you, right ?! Right !? Please just say something, Matt !!"  
  
- - - I love you so much. - - -  
  
Nancy didn't speak. It was quiet for a moment. Only Matt's respiration was heard. It was slow...calm...and empty.  
  
"I love you so much, Matt. I love you so much..."  
  
She broke down in tears again, they flew down her face. She just couldn't help it.  
  
"I'm going outside now, o-ok ? I'll be back soon, Matt. B-be strong for me, sweetie..." Nancy said, sobbing, and closing the door very quiet. As if she didn't want to wake him up.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"How is he, mom ?" TK asked, jumping off his chair.  
  
"Can I go to him now ?"  
  
TK started to cry when Nancy shook her head.  
  
"He's my brother ! I wanna see him ! I wanna go in, mom ! I wanna see Matt !"  
  
"But TK, he's too-"  
  
"I don't care what he is ! I wanna hear his voice again ! Now !"  
  
"TK..." Nancy said, trying to calm her youngest down by taking his arms and letting him sit down on the chair again.  
  
"Matt can't explain anything to us now... He's in a coma, for a week maximum. The doctors have to keep him in a coma."  
  
"Matt ? In a coma... ?" TK whispered, his eyes filling with tears again...  
  
Kari sat next to TK with her mother and Tai. Tai, who had been in a bit of a shock the passed hour, hadn't seen Matt either, and wasn't sure wether he could.  
  
- - - Why did you do this, Matt ? - - - Kari thought, feeling tears in her eyes too.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
That evening, at Tai's...  
  
Kari was walking up the stairs, ready to go to bed.  
  
"Kari ?" She heard her brother asking, very quiet, and if she'd heard it right, with tears in his voice.  
  
"Tai ? Where are you ?"  
  
"In my room."  
  
Kari walked to Tai's room and went to sit on the red carpet on the floor. She sighed when she saw Tai's tearstained eyes.  
  
He wiped his tears away.  
  
"Do you think Matt will hate me now ?" Tai asked, shaking.  
  
"What ?! Why would he hate you, Tai ? You saved his life ! He should be grateful for that !"  
  
"Yeah I know, but... He wanted to die and I saved him, probably against his will so..."  
  
"He won't be mad at you."  
  
"Do you really think so ? I don't know... I don't know it anymore..."  
  
"Don't be depressed !"  
  
"Sorry, Kari. I didn't mean to say that."  
  
"It's ok... In fact, I don't really know it anymore either..."  
  
"Do you still- well... Do you-?"  
  
"Yes..."  
  
"Are you gonna tell him when he wakes up ?"  
  
"I don't think so... It would all sound so wrong and I'd make a fool of myself."  
  
Tai sighed, so did Kari. Then she spoke, tears stinging her eyes.  
  
"I really love him."  
  
"I know, Kari. I know..."  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
The next day...  
  
"Mom, I'm ready to go to school !" TK yelled.  
  
His mother was downstairs, making herself ready to go to work. She quickly took her purse from the table and her wallet. Then she turned around and saw TK standing in the doorframe.  
  
"Hi mom. Are you ready now ?" he whined.  
  
"Yeah yeah, in a minute."  
  
She continued searching some stuff from work and then said :  
  
"TK, are you sure you wanna go to school ?"  
  
"Why wouldn't I ?" TK said.  
  
- - - I know it's Matt you're talking about, and NO, I don't wanna go to school. And I won't, mom. I won't. - - -  
  
"You know, Matt and... It only happened yesterday..."  
  
TK went to his mother and hugged her.  
  
"Bye, mom." TK said, racing away.  
  
"I have to catch the bus !"  
  
"Bye..." Nancy said.  
  
- - - How can you, TK ? How can you not care about your brother ? - - -  
  
- - - He tried to kill himself yesterday... - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
TK jumped on the bus, as soon as it stopped.  
  
"One to the Sacred Heart Hospital, please."  
  
TK took his ticket from the bus driver's hand and mumbled a 'thank you'.  
  
He went to the back of the bus where he placed himself on one of the warm seats.  
  
- - - I'm on my way, Matt... - - -  
  
- - - You know I'll always be there for you, right ? - - -  
  
- - - I love you. - - -  
  
- - - Now I realize that I didn't say that often enough... - - -  
  
- - - I love you, big brother... - - -  
  
The ride wasn't very long, and as soon as TK saw the huge white building appearing from behind the trees, he pushed the STOP button and jumped off the bus when it stopped. Right before the entrance.  
  
He asked a lady from the reception where Matt lay, and then took the elevator to the 2nd floor.  
  
"Room 288..." he mumbled, seeking that room in the long corridor.  
  
- - - I hope my mom and dad are at work now, and that I don't meet them here... - - -  
  
There it was... Nr 288... He stopped.  
  
Suddenly TK hesitated.  
  
- - - Should I really go in ? - - - he thought.  
  
He took a deep breath and then walked up to the door. He slowly opened it...  
  
"Matt ?" he asked.  
  
Then he saw Matt.  
  
TK gasped as he saw the person that was supposed to be his brother.  
  
"Matt ?" he asked again.  
  
His eyes became all red, he could feel. And tears formed in his eyes too.  
  
"Matt... Why did you do this ? Why did you do this ?!!" he yelled at his brother.  
  
- - - WHY ?!?! - - -  
  
"I thought you were grown up and smart !!! I thought you were perfect ! Why then ?!"  
  
"Answer me !!!"  
  
TK burst out in tears and dropped himself on the bed, at Matt's feet. Closer he didn't dare to come.  
  
It was quiet. Only Matt's respiration and TK's sobs could be heard. And some weird beeps and other hospital sounds.  
  
"I love you..."  
  
"You know I love you, right ?"  
  
"I was always there for you..."  
  
"I didn't want you to die ! Nobody did..."  
  
"Did anybody ever say to you that you should die ?"  
  
"I don't think so... and if there would be someone like that, you know... I'd wanna kick that person's ass... cause you know, Matt ? Your my big brother and I love you."  
  
Crystal tears went down TK's cheeks.  
  
"I always thought that you loved me... But why would you try to kill yourself then ? Was it me ? Did I do something wrong ?"  
  
"I didn't mean to hurt you, if it's my fault."  
  
"I never meant to hurt you, you know ?"  
  
"You were always the one that made me smile..."  
  
"I wished that you had shown your smile more often..."  
  
"I remember a few days ago, that you were fighting with mom when she came over to your place, and you said that you couldn't smile anymore. I don't understand... How can you not smile ?"  
  
"If you succeed making me smile, how come that you don't make yourself smile from time to time ?"  
  
"I wish you could smile now."  
  
"Even though that seems a bit hard to me with al those tubes and stuff..."  
  
"You should see yourself now. You wouldn't be so happy, I think. You don't have gell in your hair, you know ?"  
  
"But you still look beautiful, Matt..."  
  
"No matter how you look like, no matter how much tubes you got there, no matter what you do, you'll always be beautiful to me."  
  
"Cause you're my brother."  
  
"I'm here for you."  
  
"If you wanna talk to somebody, you should come to me."  
  
"You know what else..." TK said after a short pause.  
  
"Mom is really sad. She never ever meant to hurt you ! She feels guilty, and so does dad."  
  
TK saw the marks on Matt's arm.  
  
"You made those, didn't you ?"  
  
"I know you did, Tai told me yesterday evening. Cause mom didn't wanna tell me, of course..."  
  
"He saw you when you cut yourself in the bathroom at school."  
  
"But I don't care. I don't care !"  
  
TK touched the red marks on his brother's arm.  
  
"I don't care..."  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - I love you too, TK... - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - I wanna wake up and tell you that I love you... - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - But I can't. I'm trapped inside my own body... - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - I'm sorry for not dying. - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - That had been so much better, you know... - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - Nobody would have felt guilty... - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - And I'd be free... - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
The school was empty without Matt. The corridors were cold and everywhere Tai looked, he searched for Matt's face, but then realized, that his friend wasn't here.  
  
Tai was walking to Sora. He had to tell her about Matt, cause he didn't call her yet.  
  
- - - Ok, calm down, Tai... Everything will be fine... - - -  
  
- - - After all, he did NOT die. - - -  
  
"Hey Tai ! Where's Matt ?"  
  
"Hi Sora."  
  
"Did you go to his apartment ?"  
  
"Yes, I did. But-"  
  
Sora felt how Tai got nervous and his voice was... empty...  
  
"Sora, Matt tried to kill himself yesterday."  
  
Sora's mouth fell open, and her eyes grew wide, and after a few seconds, when she realized what Tai had said, tears formed in her eyes too...  
  
"W-what ?" she whispered.  
  
"He's not dead. He's remaining comatose till next week."  
  
"How ?" she brought out, crying.  
  
"He slit his wrists, Sora..."  
  
"Oh God... No !" Sora said, hugging Tai.  
  
She cried and soon, Tai felt his eyes sting too.  
  
"No...no no no... Not Matt..."  
  
"It's ok, Sora... He'll be fine. He'll be ok..."  
  
Sora loosened her grip and wiped her tears away.  
  
"Is he ok ?"  
  
"I think so... I didn't see him yet, but I'm going to the hospital after school."  
  
"Can I please come with you, Tai ? Please ?" Sora asked, still crying.  
  
"Of course..." Tai said, his voice shaking, on the verge of tears.  
  
"Did you tell the others ?"  
  
"No, not yet. Izzy knows, and Joe and Mimi, and Kari and TK of course, but the rest, no..."  
  
"Do you want me to tell Yolei ?"  
  
"Yeah, ok. I'll tell Davis and the rest, ok ?"  
  
"Ok..." Sora said, another tear escaping from her eye.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Two days later...  
  
Matt's condition was still the same, but the doctors had taken some tubes away. Everybody had visited him and told him how much everybody loved him, but still, the grief was there. Everybody at school missed his face. His pretty face that made all the girls stare.  
  
Tai missed Matt so much, that he wished that Matt just could give him a punch in his face right away. Or he wanted to hear 'you baka !' just for one last time. Only to hear Matt's voice.  
  
Kari cried all night. She couldn't find peace anymore. Her love for Matt had just became stronger and the more she thought about him, the more she loved him. Even though she was sure that she couldn't be with him.  
  
She and Tai went to Matt every day after school, and sometimes in the evening too, with TK. TK... He felt very sad too, just for not being there for his big brother when he had needed someone... Something that Matt had always been for TK. There. To be there for someone in trouble was the best gift to give, according to TK. And now he realized, that he hadn't been there for his brother.  
  
And Nancy... she felt like it was her fault that Matt had tried to kill himslf. Her sorrow was so big, that she couldn't do anything else but to go to her son and to talk to him about everything that happened. She and Matt's dad were gonna meet today at Nancy's house, to talk about what had happened with their son.  
  
The bell rang. RING RING RING  
  
Nancy quickly stood up from the chair she sat on and ran to the door to open it.  
  
"Hi Nancy." Mr. Ishida said, smiling a bit.  
  
"Hello. Come in." She said as showing her ex-husband the way to the living room.  
  
"So... Do you want anything to drink ?" she asked.  
  
"No, no, I'm fine. Thanks."  
  
Then there was a silence. Nancy was the first one to speak again.  
  
"So um... What are we gonna do about this whole thing ?"  
  
"In fact, Nancy, I have no idea but I talked to the doctor yesterday and asked him for some advice."  
  
"And ? What did he say ?"  
  
"We are free to choose, but it's the best, according to him, that we send Matt to a good psychiatrist."  
  
"Ok, that's good. We will do that."  
  
"The doctor also said that we can't send him from here to my place and back all the time. He has to stay somewhere for a while. Somewhere where he stays during the time he goes to the psychiatrist."  
  
"Oh... ok. Uhm... But where then ?"  
  
"I don't know..."  
  
"Where do you want him to stay ?"  
  
"I don't know what he'd want, but I think it would be better if he stays here. So I can go to work."  
  
"And I ? I have to work too."  
  
"Yes, I know, but I can always give you half of the money I make."  
  
"What ?"  
  
"You know I can't take a break from work. I have to be there. 24 hours a day ! There's always things going on. There's always news."  
  
"I understand, but why can't he just go to school ?"  
  
"School ? Matt ?"  
  
"I don't know what the doctor said ! I wasn't there."  
  
"He said that Matt has to stay home for a week. He'll miss 2 weeks from school but that's not a problem, compared to what he's going through !"  
  
"Yeah, ok. So you'd be willing to give me half of the money you make ?"  
  
"Yeah, of course. It's for Matt."  
  
"Ok, I can live with that. That's good."  
  
"So he'll be staying with you and TK ?"  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Good."  
  
  
  
  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Again, thank you for reading !!! And now... Please review ? Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you ! I really love you guys ! I promise there will be another chapter up soon, very soon. As soon as possible. And uhh... the story is far from ending, is all I can say. There are a lot of sad things that are gonna happen in the following chapters, so keep reading ! -x-x-x- Love you and everybody out there. -x-x-x- *kiss* ! Mari-sama~ 


	7. All waves go down

Hello, hello everybody ! Thank you for the reviews, first of all. I LOVE you ! Uhh... ok... What was next ? Oh yeah. I'm SORRY that it took so long, but I have so much homework ! And I hate it. I really hate it. But yeah... I still have to do it, so uhm... First part of the finals (something creepy from Belgium) are coming up so I won't be writing for a while. I hope I can finish the 8th chapter next weekend, but I'm not sure... Again : SORRY SORRY SORRY ! Ok, the lyric. It's Michael Jackson's 'Stranger In Moscow'. I don't really like the man, but the lyric is good for my story so... Thank you, Michael. Ok, on with the story ! -x-x-x- Enjoy !  
  
Disclaimer : I do NOT own Digimon.  
  
  
  
  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
  
  
Michael Jackson - Stranger in Moscow  
  
I was wandering in the rain  
  
Mask of life, feelin' insane  
  
Swift and sudden fall from grace  
  
Sunny days seem far away  
  
The dark shadow belittlin' me  
  
It just won't let me be  
  
On and on and on it came  
  
Wish the rain would just let me be  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
How does it feel (How does it feel)  
  
How does it feel  
  
How does it feel  
  
When you're alone  
  
And you're cold inside  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Here abandoned in my fame  
  
Armageddon of the brain  
  
KGB was doggin' me  
  
Take my name and just let me be  
  
Then a boy called my name  
  
Happy days will drown the pain  
  
On and on and on it came  
  
And again, and again, and again...  
  
Take my name and just let me be  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
How does it feel (How does it feel)  
  
How does it feel  
  
How does it feel  
  
How does it feel  
  
How does it feel (How does it feel now)  
  
How does it feel  
  
How does it feel  
  
When you're alone  
  
And you're cold inside  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
How does it feel (How does it feel)  
  
How does it feel  
  
How does it feel  
  
How does it feel  
  
How does it feel (How does it feel now)  
  
How does it feel  
  
How does it feel  
  
When you're alone  
  
And you're cold inside  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Like a stranger in Moscow  
  
Like a stranger in Moscow  
  
We're talkin' danger  
  
We're talkin' danger baby  
  
Like a stranger in Moscow  
  
We're talkin' danger  
  
We're talkin' danger baby  
  
Like a stranger in Moscow  
  
I'm livin' lonely  
  
I'm livin' lonely baby  
  
A stranger in Moscow - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
  
  
All waves go down - - - - - - - - - - by Mari-sama~  
  
  
  
  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
  
  
That evening, like all the others, Tai sat by Matt's side on the white blankets of his bed.  
  
He stared at Matt.  
  
Matt's eyes were closed. As if he were sleeping, very peaceful, yet he had a very confused look on his face. He looked like he was tired to death.  
  
"You knew I found out about it, didn't you ?"  
  
"But that's not a reason to do it !"  
  
"To kill yourself... Well, to try to kill yourself..."  
  
"I'm glad you didn't actually died, you know ?"  
  
"Because, Matt... I really care about you."  
  
"And I wouldn't ever forgive myself if I had been too late..."  
  
"Just imagine..."  
  
"That you wouldn't be able to celebrate next Christmas ?"  
  
"Or TK's birthday ?"  
  
"That you wouldn't be able to punch me in the face anymore ?"  
  
"Gee, I'd really miss that..."  
  
"Or..."  
  
"That you wouldn't be able to worry other people all the time by wandering around and being depressed and sad..."  
  
"I'd miss that too, you know ?"  
  
"I think I'd just miss everything."  
  
"You, and all the things you do."  
  
"I don't wanna lose you, Matt..."  
  
"For the past years, I've been your friend and you were mine."  
  
"Friends are supposed to tell each other everything..."  
  
"But we were different."  
  
"You never really told me about how you feel."  
  
"If you'd have said anything to me, I'd have been there to help you !"  
  
"I'd have been there to stop you on time !"  
  
"Not to find you when it was too late..."  
  
"You don't know what hell I'm going through !"  
  
"You don't know what I dream during the night !"  
  
"You don't know what I think all the time !"  
  
"You don't know anything !"  
  
"I see your face all the time, wherever I go !"  
  
"I dream of you, finding you when it's too late ! Lying in a puddle of your own blood ! I dream of you standing at my bed and telling me that I was too late ! That I failed as a friend !"  
  
"I always think of you, Matt !"  
  
"What if he doesn't get better at all ?"  
  
"What if he tries to commit suicide again ?"  
  
"And what if he dies ?"  
  
"I can't handle it anymore !"  
  
"I can't handle it anymore !!!"  
  
"I CAN'T !"  
  
"You don't know what it feels like to be me right now !"  
  
"You don't know what others ask me during lunch !"  
  
"God ! I get the strangest questions !"  
  
"And I don't like answering them all ! Cause I don't know what the hell made you do it !"  
  
"I know shit about it !"  
  
"But yeah !"  
  
"You just lie here, easy and comfortable !"  
  
"Nothing to worry about !"  
  
"Just chilling in the hospital !"  
  
Tai paused for a few moments. He felt tears going down his cheeks like a waterfall...  
  
"But... I guess being you isn't the easiest thing on earth either, ha ?" Tai said, taking Matt's hand.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - I'm sorry... - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - I'm so sorry, Tai... - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - I didn't mean to make you feel so sad ! - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - You're right, Tai. Being me isn't so easy... - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - What ? Chilling ? Me ?! - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - Tai, this isn't fun. This is horrible. - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - It's the most scary experience I've ever gone through in my whole life. - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - I can't get out of this ! - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - I'm locked inside... 'me'... - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - And you have NO idea how much I wanna wake up ! - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - But... - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - I can't... - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Tai went to sit in the chair between Matt's bed and the window.  
  
"Be strong for me, ok ?"  
  
"Try to be strong..."  
  
"And when you wake up, I'll be there. By your side. I'll be there when you open your eyes again and feel the sunlight again. I promise I'll be there."  
  
"I promise, Matt... I'll be there..." Tai sobbed, letting his head rest on the bed.  
  
"I'll be there for you..."  
  
Tai cried, he couldn't keep his emotions inside anymore.  
  
"I'll always be there for you..."  
  
He took Matt's arm again and laid it next to his head, so that he felt Matt.  
  
"I'll be there for you..."  
  
He closed his eyes and cried himself asleep...  
  
"Always..."  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Meanwhile, at TK's house...  
  
Nancy was still up. TK was sleeping, he had fallen asleep at Matt's side. So he'd be sure Matt was gonna be ok.  
  
Nancy sighed, replacing the bed from Matt's room to an empty room on the ground floor. She didn't wanna risk anything. What if Matt would do something during the night ? She couldn't be sure enough.  
  
It was only a few days till Matt was going home again. Well... to TK's.  
  
He didn't have to stay any longer in the hospital. When he'd wake up and the doctors would have made sure everything was gonna be ok with him, he could already go home.  
  
So Nancy was preparing everything.  
  
She didn't actually care about all of this, and she knew she had more than enough time to do this later, but she had to keep herself busy.  
  
She needed to concentrate on something... different than everything that was going on with her son.  
  
- - - Concentrate, Nancy. Concentrate and relax, and everything will be ok. - - - she thought to calm herself down.  
  
- - - Ok ? Is that what this is ?! - - -  
  
- - - OK ?!?! - - -  
  
"It's NOT OK !!!" she yelled at herself.  
  
- - - I hope I didn't wake TK up... - - -  
  
"It's not ok..."  
  
"It's not ok..."  
  
She started to cry again and dropped herself on the half replaced bed, that was in the middle of the living room.  
  
"It's not ok... It's not..."  
  
- - - But it will be, right ? It has to be... - - -  
  
- - - It has to be ok. For Matt. For TK. For everybody ! - - -  
  
"It has to be ok..."  
  
She covered her temples with her hands and the towel she had in them.  
  
- - - Crying won't help... - - -  
  
- - - I have to keep strong ! I'm a grown up mother ! - - -  
  
- - - A MOTHER ! - - -  
  
- - - And maybe that's why I can't deal with this... - - -  
  
Nancy buried her face deeper in her hands and cried, cried, cried...  
  
"I can't deal with this !!!"  
  
"I CAN'T !" she yelled, slapping her own face with her hand.  
  
- - - STOP IT ! - - -  
  
Nancy let herself slide down on the couch. She lay on her back, with her eyes fixed to the wall.  
  
She stared.  
  
She stared until she finally fell asleep, with the thought of Matt running through her head... and tearstained cheeks.  
  
And then... she dreamed...  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
I can see colors. I see colors and go to them. It's a waterfall of colored water. Red, blue, yellow, green, all the colors !  
  
It sounds like music. Like the twinkling sound of a harp...  
  
The colors explode at the end of the waterfall and form a misty rain of colored drops.  
  
"I'm here !" I suddenly hear.  
  
"Mommy, I'm here !"  
  
I recognize the voice...  
  
"Mommy ! Mommy !"  
  
It's... it's...  
  
"Mommy ! I'm here ! Mommy !"  
  
Matt !  
  
It's Matt !  
  
His voice is... childish. And young.  
  
"Mommy ! Overhere !" he calls.  
  
"Where are you, Matt ?" I shout.  
  
"Overhere ! At the waterfall !"  
  
I quickly look around and move my head from the left to the right.  
  
"Mommy ! I'm on the top of it !"  
  
I look up, and my face changes in horror. Matt is standing on top of the rock, meters above me, where the colored water starts falling.  
  
I cover my mouth with my hands.  
  
I stare at him, and when I see him growing and changing in an impossibly fast speed, I scream.  
  
He's 14. Not the little innocent child of mine anymore.  
  
"Matt ! Get off that rock !!!" I yell, on the verge of tears.  
  
My voice breaks.  
  
"Matt..." It comes out more like a sigh. A whisper.  
  
He looks down at me, like I'm a dirtbag. A miserable slave. Useless.  
  
He grins... then he laughs maniacally. And puts his hands on the edge of the rock. Ready to jump...  
  
"No, Matt ! No !" I yell at him, tears starting to form in my eyes.  
  
"No !"  
  
Matt smirks, and shouts, with a smile on his face :  
  
"Suicide ! Suicide ! It's just suicide, mom !"  
  
I quickly glance around, begging for help in my inner self.  
  
His eyes look right into mine... right before he lets go of the rock... and... falls down.  
  
His falling body is a black shadow before the colors.  
  
I scream.  
  
"MATT !!!"  
  
And I run to the place where he's gonna fall.  
  
My eyes meet his for one last time, cause as soon as I stretch my arm to reach out for him, he comes down with a horrible sound... He turns around.  
  
"It's just suicide, mommy !" he yells, laughing maniacally again.  
  
"It's just suicide !"  
  
I scream again when he shows me his wrists, slit and blood pooring out of them.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
4 days later...  
  
It was time.  
  
Tai stood in the corridor of the hospital. Kari sat on a chair and was looking outside, seeming calm, but in fact... she was as nervous as Tai.  
  
Nancy was inside a room, talking to one of the doctors and TK and his dad were with Matt.  
  
"You're gonna wake up again, Matt !" TK said, caressing his brother's head.  
  
"You will be ok, so don't start worrying now. The doctors say it doesn't hurt. I've never been in a coma, so I can't say if they tell the truth, but I guess they're right."  
  
"Yes, they are right. He'll be fine." Matt's dad said, trying to smile.  
  
- - - At least I hope so... - - -  
  
- - - I hope so... - - - TK thought.  
  
The door went open and 3 doctors and a nurse walked into the room. Calm and controlled.  
  
"Are you ready ?" one of them asked.  
  
"Yeah, we're ready. TK ? Come on." Mr. Ishida said, leading TK to the door.  
  
TK threw a last glance at his brother and mentally wished him good luck.  
  
Then his dad turned his head around and closed the door.  
  
Tai quickly turned his head and his eyes asked 'And ?'  
  
"They're gonna let him wake up now. It will only take 5 minutes or so."  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
The doctors made everything ready. The nurse took some bandages and then nodded to the doctor.  
  
It wasn't dangerous, and Matt was surely gonna wake up. After all, he was being kept in an artificial coma.  
  
The doctor nodded to the rest and switched the respirator off.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - Aaahh... - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - I can't breath anymore ! - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - Pleas help me ! Somebody ! - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - W-what... ? - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - Am I sucked into another dimension ? - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - No ! - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - They're letting me wake up again ! - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - NO ! - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - I shouldn't be ! I should have been DEAD ! - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - ... - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"Don't worry now... You'll be fine."  
  
Matt coughed.  
  
"W-where am I... ?" he asked wearily, his eyes barely open.  
  
"You're in the hospital. We put you in a coma because you tried to kill yourself and nearly died. And now, you're awake again."  
  
Tai stepped forward and looked at Matt.  
  
"I told you I was gonna be here..."  
  
"How... long ?" Matt whispered.  
  
"You're awake since a few hours. Finally you woke up ! I thought it was gonna take you forever ! But the doctors told us that you'd be very tired so we let you sleep."  
  
Matt sat up straight and saw his mother, his father, and TK, who immediately flew to his neck.  
  
"Hey Teek..." Matt said, hugging him tightly.  
  
"I missed you so much !" TK exclaimed. Matt heard he was crying.  
  
"Hey... don't cry. I'm fine, see ? I'm ok..." Matt said, caressing TK over his head.  
  
"You didn't really mean to... die, right ?"  
  
"TK... No, of course not..." Matt lied.  
  
Tai sighed by this statement. He was relieved to hear that, even though he was practically sure that Matt was lying.  
  
"We all missed you so much, Matt !" a silent and friendly voice suddenly said from behind the other people.  
  
It was Kari.  
  
"Hi there !" She said very soft, when Matt looked up at her.  
  
"Hi... thank you for being here, you guys..." Matt said, closing his eyes again.  
  
"No, Matt ! Don't fall asleep ! We have to bring you home first, and then you can go back to sleep." Nancy smiled.  
  
"Alright, alright."  
  
The doctors said 'bye' to everybody in the room, and left them.  
  
"That went well, eh ?" Matt's dad said, looking at Matt.  
  
Matt smiled.  
  
- - - I guess I did miss my dad. And my mom. And TK. And Tai... And Kari and all the others... - - -  
  
"Yeah, pretty well..." Matt whispered, his throat hurting because of the tube that had been in it for a week.  
  
Matt sighed.  
  
"Let's go home now..."  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
When Matt sat in the dusty car of his dad, he thought back on what had happened.  
  
Flashbacks went through his head constantly.  
  
- - - Stop... Stop... - - -  
  
- - - I hate memories ! - - -  
  
- - - Especially bad ones... - - -  
  
He shook his head, hoping that they would fade away.  
  
"Where are we going ?!" Matt suddenly asked to his dad when they turned into a street that led to his mother's house.  
  
"Sorry for not telling you yet, but... You'll be staying at your mother's for a while. Until you're better."  
  
"What ?"  
  
"You will go to a psychiatrist for a month, and during that period, you have to stay somewhere permanently. And that would be your mother's house."  
  
"But... You-"  
  
"I'll visit you every 2 days. I promise."  
  
- - - Can you believe that ?! - - -  
  
- - - I'm just back and now already he makes false promises ! - - -  
  
- - - Gee... I really should have died that day ! - - -  
  
- - - I guess it didn't make ANY different... - - -  
  
- - - Shit... - - -  
  
- - - A month under the strict eye of my mother... Damn, damn, damn, damn ! - - -  
  
- - - I hope I'll survive... - - -  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Thank you so much for reading this !!! I really truly love you ! After this chapter, the story will get less boring and I will put lots of diary entries in it again ! 'YAY!' for all the diary entry fans ! Uhh... Now please review and continue reading this story ! It will all get more and more complicated and harder for Matt, so if you wanna know how it ends, keep reading ! I wanna have uhh... about 100 reviews at the end and then I'll be so goddamn HAPPY !!! -x-x-x- With Love From Belgium, Mari-sama~ 


	8. Falling

Hello everyone ! Ok, now you probably all hate me because this took SOOOOO long ! I know, I know... BUT I have tons of homework and I didn't have enough time to do my homework, to go shopping for Xmas, to study for the first finals, and to write... but now, the 8th chapter is finally here. It's called : 'Falling' (you know, falling raindrops ?) Ok, ok. Good. I used this lyric : 'Take This Heart' by 'Yasmina Karraz'. It's an English song, but made in Belgium for the European Songfestival. It's the most beautiful song in the world, and you should hear it. It makes you cry. It's so breath taking ! So, download it. Ps : Thank you so much for all those reviews !!! -x-x-x- Enjoy !  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
Take this heart - Yasmina Karraz  
  
  
  
Many's the time I hear you whisper words  
  
Tender and kind  
  
They make me feel alright  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
That's when I'm dreaming  
  
That you hold me in your arms  
  
And when you smile  
  
I lay out to your charms  
  
You thrill me  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Take this heart  
  
Don't lose it  
  
Take this heart  
  
Take care of it  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Cause only love can bring it back to me  
  
It's always yours to keep my heart...  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Gotta be strong  
  
Turn tears into a smile  
  
Show the world  
  
I am really doing fine They say I'm young So life will be kind  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
But death is a thief And I'm a tree bereft of leaves Without you  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Take this heart  
  
Don't lose it  
  
Take this heart  
  
Take care of it  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Cause only love can bring it back to me  
  
It's always yours to keep my heart...  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Sometimes I wonder if  
  
I'm gonna make it alone  
  
Without you life seems so... hard  
  
Though a rain will always fall  
  
The sun will always shine  
  
And somewhere I believe you're alive through this heart of mine...  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Cause only love can bring it back to me  
  
It's always yours to keep my heart...  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
  
  
Falling - - - - - - - - - - by Mari-sama~  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The car stopped.  
  
- - - Home again. - - -  
  
"Come on in, Matt." Nancy said, trying to sound normal.  
  
Matt walked in and said :  
  
"Seems like I haven't seen this place for years."  
  
"Yeah." Nancy sighed.  
  
"But now you're here !" she smiled.  
  
- - - Yeah. I am. - - -  
  
Matt smiled back.  
  
- - - I know that's a fake smile, Matt. - - - Nancy thought.  
  
"Where's my room ?" Matt asked, looking around as if he'd never been there before.  
  
"You told me I was gonna sleep in another room, mom." He said, not looking to his mother.  
  
"Oh yes, of course ! Uhm. Right here." She said, leading her son to a small room next to the living room.  
  
"What ?! Here ?! Mom ! I won't have any privacy !"  
  
Matt looked stunned.  
  
- - - What the - ? - - -  
  
"I-"  
  
"Matt ! Listen to your mother !" His dad shouted.  
  
Matt walked into the room and mumbled :  
  
"My mother ? Give me a break."  
  
"What was that, Matt ?"  
  
"Nothing, dad. I was talking to myself."  
  
His dad decided to leave it and got ready to leave.  
  
"I'll come over every 2 days, if that's ok with you ?" Malcolm asked Nancy, walking to the front door.  
  
"Ok, perfect. And uh. I'll call you later for some other things, ok ?"  
  
Mr. Ishida knew exactely what she was talking about and nodded in agreement. He gave TK a hug and shook Nancy's hand.  
  
"Alright. I better go now, ok ? See you soon." He said, disappearing behind the door.  
  
"Bye, dad !" TK shouted.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Matt sat on the bed. Everything was already blown up for him.  
  
- - - Shit. - - -  
  
- - - Could it be any worser ? - - -  
  
- - - No privacy. My mom ALWAYS around. Shit, shit, shit. - - -  
  
Suddenly something came into Matt's mind.  
  
"Where's my diary ?" Matt whispered to himself.  
  
He took his backpack and ruffled in it.  
  
"I haven't seen it for such a long time."  
  
- - - Dad didn't take it to the hospital, I think. - - -  
  
"Shit ! Major shit !"  
  
- - - It must be at my dad's. - - -  
  
Suddenly TK came into Matt's room.  
  
"Hi, Matt. I hope you'll like it here."  
  
"Hi there. Of course I will."  
  
TK smiled. And then. looked down.  
  
"TK, what's wrong ?" Matt asked, concerned.  
  
TK jumped up and flew into Matt's arms. Matt hugged him and caressed his little brother over his head.  
  
"Hey. What's wrong ?"  
  
"J-just everything !" TK yelled, crying all of sudden.  
  
"I- I really love you, Matt !!!"  
  
"I know, Teek. I love you to-"  
  
"Then wh-why did you d-do it ?!!"  
  
Matt didn't speak.  
  
"WHY ?!" TK screamed, causing Nancy to come in the room.  
  
"TK, what's wrong ?" she asked, concerned.  
  
"Just let him be, mom." Matt said, immediately regretting that.  
  
He mentally kicked himself.  
  
"What ? He's my son, Matt. And so are you !" she said.  
  
Nancy took TK's arm and led him to the bathroom.  
  
He didn't say anything, even though he wanted to tell his mom to let him go and that he wanted to go back to Matt.  
  
- - - You bitch ! How dare you taking TK away from me like that ! - - -  
  
- - - Now where's my fucking diary ? - - -  
  
- - - Oh yeah. My dad has it. - - -  
  
- - - I'll call him and ask him to bring it. - - -  
  
- - - No. - - -  
  
- - - He'll read it. - - -  
  
- - - No. My mom will. - - -  
  
- - - Shit ! - - -  
  
- - - Why is everybody so damn suspicious ?! - - -  
  
Matt sighed and stood up, feeling depressed again. He knew he was cause he didn't wanna do anything. And that he'd been feeling before too.  
  
He went to the living room where he thought his mom was gonna be.  
  
"Mom ?"  
  
No answer. So he went to her bedroom.  
  
She was there. A soft sob came from the room. Matt knew it was his mother. She was on the phone. Probably with one of her friends from work or something.  
  
"I don't know why !" Nancy sobbed in the phone.  
  
A metallic voice said something in response, but Matt couln't make up what.  
  
He frowned and went to stand closer to the door.  
  
"No. I know he hates me."  
  
"One thousand percent sure !"  
  
"He. No. He never had any light on in his room. He's so 'dark'. As if he feels safer when the lights are out."  
  
"No, I can't turn the electricity off just for him !"  
  
"He's an annoying brat ! That's what he is !" Nancy cried.  
  
"Yeah, m-maybe I shouldn't have said that."  
  
"I have prepared a room for him."  
  
"Yeah, another one."  
  
"You know. because maybe he'd try it again, you know."  
  
Suddenly Matt was scared by someone who tapped him on his shoulder.  
  
"What are you doing ?!"  
  
It was TK.  
  
- - - Shit. Major shit. - - -  
  
Nancy hooked up the phone and ran outside, where she found Matt standing against the wall of her bedroom.  
  
"You- Matt, you stood here all the time ?"  
  
"You really shouldn't have said that." Matt said.  
  
Nancy noticed tears in his voice.  
  
- - - God. He's hurt. - - -  
  
Matt ran off. Just when Nancy tried to say something.  
  
"Matt !"  
  
"Matt, come back !" TK yelled, running after his brother.  
  
"Matt, stop !"  
  
Matt raced down the stairs and quickly went into his temporary room where he pulled his backpack from the bed and then ran off, he opened the front door and slammed it shut when his feet had barely left the doorstep.  
  
He didn't think. He didn't wanna think. He just ran, and ran till he could hardly breathe. He stopped and fell to the ground.  
  
- - - Oh shit. - - -  
  
- - - Shit ! - - -  
  
- - - I hate this. - - -  
  
Then something caught Matt's eyes. He sat at the supermarket. There were a lot of charts, but that he didn't care about. He was fixed on the side of the iron gate that surrounded the charts. It was sharp. Very, very sharp. He had felt this before, only then he had fallen and he had been brought to hospital cause his arm was totally messed up. He was still young when it had happened, but he did remember how sharp it was. He could nearly feel it cut in his skin.  
  
He wanted to go there and to let the iron cut in his soft white skin, but something stopped him from doing that.  
  
His cell phone rang.  
  
He mentally cursed as he read 'TAI' on the screen.  
  
- - - Shit. - - -  
  
Yet, he took a deep breath and tried to stay calm.  
  
"Hello ?" he said.  
  
"Matt, it's me, Tai. Where have you been ?!"  
  
"What do you mean ?"  
  
"Your mother is going nuts, you know ? She called my mom and told her that you were missing again."  
  
"So ?"  
  
"Just go back home, Matt."  
  
"What if I don't wanna go home ?"  
  
"You're gonna force yourself, then. But you can't let everybody down like that."  
  
"I just hate this."  
  
"Of course you hate this, it's freezing outside. Go back !"  
  
"I can't, Tai. I can't do it anymore."  
  
"I hate to tell you, Matt, but. You're gonna have to."  
  
There was a silence, then Tai continued, he could tell that Matt was crying.  
  
"I'v never been depressed, Matt, and you know that. So I can impossibly know what you feel now."  
  
"THAT DOESN'T MATTER !" Matt yelled down the phone.  
  
"It does, Matt. It does. and please calm down. It's just me, ok ? Just me, Tai. I thought we were best friends, Matt. I thought you told me everything."  
  
"Don't lie to me !"  
  
"I-"  
  
"I never ever told you anything about my feelings, Tai ! And you know that as good as I do." Matt stated.  
  
"I know, sorry. Just relax a little !"  
  
"I can't relax anymore, Tai."  
  
"I know, you've said that before."  
  
Matt sobbed, and that was enough for Tai to notice that Matt wasn't gonna answer.  
  
Matt's throat hurt.  
  
"Matt, you have to relax from time to time, you know ?"  
  
"I told you, Tai. I can't."  
  
"Well, then try at least !"  
  
"I-"  
  
"Don't think there's no way out of this ! You will feel better someday !"  
  
"Someday. How long will it take till 'someday' ?"  
  
"I. I don't know ! Stop saying such things, Matt ! Get a little positive !"  
  
"If you call me to tell me to get positive, sorry, but then I'll hook up right now."  
  
"No ! Matt, don't !"  
  
Matt didn't speak.  
  
"Are you ok there ?" Tai asked, Matt sensed the concern in his voice.  
  
"No, I'm really so totally not ok."  
  
"That's better. Now at least you tell me what you feel."  
  
"I."  
  
Matt stopped talking.  
  
"I."  
  
"What, Matt ?"  
  
"I wanna cry."  
  
"Then cry ! Nobody's gonna stop you from crying ! And I rather have you to cry than to cut yourself."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Just cry. It's ok."  
  
"No, Tai. Boys don't cry, remember ?"  
  
"What the hell ? Boys don't cry ? What shit is that ?!" Tai exclaimed.  
  
Matt couldn't resist a laugh with this.  
  
"Matt ?"  
  
"Yeah, what ?"  
  
"Did you just laugh ?"  
  
"Yeah. So what ?"  
  
"You don't know how happy I am about that."  
  
Tai heard Matt sighing.  
  
"Now you're probably telling yourself how much I act like a dick."  
  
"No !" Matt laughed.  
  
The he stopped and sighed again.  
  
"I was telling myself how much I am acting like a dick."  
  
"Don't be stupid, Matt."  
  
"I am stupid, remember ?"  
  
"You're not expecting me to say 'yes', are you ?"  
  
"Not really, I know you wouldn't."  
  
"Now tell me. What did your mother say ?"  
  
Matt's better feeling melt immediately by this.  
  
"That's none of your fucking business !" Matt shouted at Tai.  
  
"Sorry, but she was really upset, you know ?"  
  
Tai paused.  
  
"She was crying."  
  
"So ? She cries all the time !"  
  
"Why would she ?"  
  
"I say very bad things and then she feels hurt. Do I care ?"  
  
"That's not nice, Matt."  
  
"I know ! So what ? She hurts me too !"  
  
"What did she say ?"  
  
"That. that I was an annoying brat."  
  
"An annoying brat ?"  
  
"Yeah, an annoying brat ! How much times do you wanna hear it ?! An annoying brat ! An annoying brat !"  
  
"Matt ! Shut up !"  
  
Matt sighed and said :  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Just try to stay calm. Ok ? She hurt you, obviously."  
  
"Yeah, she did."  
  
"Ok. What are you gonna do now ?"  
  
"Just yell at her and having another fight, and then I'll feel all frustrated again and then I'll give myself another cut ! That's it, story's over."  
  
"Do you always solve problems like that ?"  
  
"Mostly, yes."  
  
"Well, I hope you know that's stupid."  
  
"I do, Tai. I certainly do, but it's a cycle, and I can't break it !"  
  
"Wow."  
  
"What ?"  
  
"This is so much deeper than I thought it was."  
  
"Why do you think I tried to kill myself ?" Matt asked, sarcastically.  
  
"I thought you were just angry with everybody."  
  
"No, I couldn't bear it anymore."  
  
"What's 'it' ?"  
  
"The pain, the scars, the new cuts, the anger, the hate, the fear, just everything that goes on in my own little world."  
  
"You know that I found you, don't you ?"  
  
"Yeah, I know, my dad told me."  
  
"I was so afraid, Matt. When I entered your apartment, I felt something was wrong."  
  
"I'm sorry for not dying when I was supposed to."  
  
"Where the hell did that come from ?"  
  
"I should've died that day, really."  
  
"How can you think such a thing ?"  
  
"I know it's true. My parents are back to normal now, everybody is, only TK. I screwed up his mind. He thinks it's all his fault. But for the rest. Nothing's changed here, Tai. It didn't make any different."  
  
"Well, with me it did ! I'm always afraid that you're gonna do it again !"  
  
"You dream of me standing at your bed. saying that you failed as a friend."  
  
"H-how do you know ?" Tai asked, on the verge of tears.  
  
"I heard you, Tai."  
  
"You did ?"  
  
"Yes, I did. I heard everything that you said, I heard everything that my mom and dad said, and everything that TK said, and Kari."  
  
"You know what she said ?"  
  
"Yes, everything."  
  
"From the first to the last word ?"  
  
"I know what she feels for me."  
  
"You know ?!"  
  
"I know, ok !"  
  
"You know. God, she never meant you to find out !"  
  
"But I do, so what ?"  
  
"What are you gonna do now ?"  
  
"Just act normal, I guess... Well... normal..."  
  
"Ok. Don't tell her that you know, please ?"  
  
"Why not ?"  
  
"Because she'd be very sad."  
  
"Ok, I won't."  
  
A pause.  
  
Suddenly Tai heard a loud noise on the other side of the phone.  
  
"Matt ?! What was that ?"  
  
No answer.  
  
"Matt ! Matt, answer me !"  
  
"What ?" Tai heard a very frustrated voice saying.  
  
"What did you do ?"  
  
"I kicked the charts, that's all..."  
  
"Ok..."  
  
Matt didn't say anything.  
  
"Matt ?"  
  
"Yeah, what ?"  
  
"Are you going into therapy ?"  
  
"Yeah. For a month, my dad said..."  
  
"Only a month ?!"  
  
"Yeah, so ?"  
  
"That's way too short !"  
  
"It's none of your business, Tai. Leave it."  
  
Tai sighed.  
  
"Ok, Matt. I'll come around tomorrow, k ?"  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"Now go home, will ya ?"  
  
Matt nodded, even though Tai couldn't see.  
  
"Matt ?"  
  
"Alright..." Matt sighed.  
  
  
  
  
  
So, that was it again. Sorry for not putting any new diary entries in this chapter. *slapping myself* I'm so happy with all your reviews ! Thank you thank you thank you ! I hope you'll keep reading my story and uhm now... REVIEW !!! Uhm... Matt's therapy is gonna take a few chapters, cause all his emotions and reasons to be depressed are explained in it, lots of flashbacks and so... read ! Please ?  
  
Gotta be strong... Turn tears into a smile...  
  
-x-x-x- Mari-sama~ 


	9. The Sky Is Crying

Hello hello hello ! Thank you again for the reviews ! It really, really encourages me, you know ? ^^ Now... I have a new chapter, with a new song and a new... uhm... Author's Note.^^ Ok, here we go again : the song is made by Marilyn Manson (I like his music, but I'm NOT a satan worshipper!) and uhm... it's called 'The Nobodies', which goes perfect with my story. I'd like to say that I've been very very very busy so that I didn't have mich time, so SORRY for working on this slow. :'( I can't help it ! It's that stupid school !!! Ok, on with the story !  
  
Disclaimer : I do NOT own Digimon.  
  
P.S. : heh heh there's a very loooooooong diary entry in this one^^ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
Marilyn Manson - - - The Nobodies.  
  
  
  
Today I'm dirty  
  
I want to to be pretty  
  
Tomorrow I know, I'm just dirt  
  
Today I'm dirty  
  
I want to to be pretty  
  
Tomorrow I know, I'm just dirt  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
We are the nobodies  
  
Wanna be somebodies  
  
We're dead, we know just who we are  
  
We are the nobodies  
  
Wanna be somebodies  
  
We're dead, we know just who we are  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Yesterday I was dirty  
  
Wanted to be pretty  
  
I know now that I'm forever dirt  
  
Yesterday I was dirty  
  
Wanted to be pretty  
  
I know now that I'm forever dirt  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
We are the nobodies  
  
Wanna be somebodies  
  
We're dead, we know just who we are  
  
We are the nobodies  
  
Wanna be somebodies  
  
We're dead, we know just who we are  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Some children died the other day  
  
We feed machines and then we pray  
  
Look up and down mortified  
  
You should have seen the ratings that day  
  
Some children died the other day  
  
We feed machines and then we pray  
  
Look up and down mortified  
  
You should have seen the ratings that day  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
We are the nobodies  
  
Wanna be somebodies  
  
We're dead, we know just who we are  
  
We are the nobodies  
  
Wanna be somebodies  
  
We're dead, we know just who we are  
  
We are the nobodies  
  
Wanna be somebodies  
  
We're dead, we know just who we are  
  
We are the nobodies  
  
Wanna be somebodies  
  
We're dead, we know just who we are  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The Sky Is Crying - - - - - - - - by Mari-sama~  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Matt sighed as he knocked on the door of his mother's house.  
  
- - - Here we go again... - - - he thought.  
  
Soon enough, he heard footsteps coming to him very fast.  
  
It was his mother.  
  
She opened the door and before he could say anything, she flew around his neck.  
  
"Oh, Matt..."  
  
- - - What the - ? - - -  
  
"Matt... I'm so sorry..." she said, on the verge of tears.  
  
She put her arms down and took Matt's hands.  
  
- - - Ok, this is strange. - - -  
  
"Don't you ever run away again, Matt !" she said.  
  
"You have no idea how worried I was."  
  
"I'm sorry, mom..." Matt whispered.  
  
"It's ok, I am sorry for saying... you know..."  
  
"Yeah, I know... Can I please go to my room now ? I'm very tired."  
  
Nancy let go of his hands and watched him as he went up the stairs.  
  
"Uh- Matt ?" she asked, indicating the door in the hall.  
  
"Oh yeah, I forgot." Matt said.  
  
- - - I can't even go to my own room... - - -  
  
- - - Oh, crap. - - -  
  
- - - I am so gonna die tomorrow. - - -  
  
- - - First session. - - -  
  
- - - I don't wanna go to a psychiatrist ! I don't need help ! - - -  
  
- - - Well... - - -  
  
He looked at his arm and then pulled up the sleeve of his shirt.  
  
- - - Maybe I do... - - -  
  
- - - But still, I don't wanna go. - - -  
  
"Therapy sucks." He told himself, lying down on his bed, and staring at the ceiling.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
That evening, Matt awoke by the scent of food. As usual, he didn't feel really hungry, but he got up from his bed and walked to the dinner room.  
  
"Mom ? What are you doing ?" he asked wearily.  
  
"Cooking, of course..." she grinned, putting some plates on the table.  
  
Matt looked confused, which caused Nancy to say :  
  
"Matt, it's only 7 pm, you went to your room and fell asleep."  
  
Matt murmered :  
  
"Oh..." and then started to walk back to his room.  
  
"Matt ?"  
  
"What, mom ?" he sighed, not really showing her any respect nor interest.  
  
"I wanna talk to you." She said, sitting down on one of the chairs.  
  
"If it's about what happened, sorry, but you shouldn't be the one to talk about that with me." Matt responded, already leaving the room.  
  
"Matt, please come back ! It's not about that !"  
  
Nancy waited for Matt to speak again.  
  
"Ok then..." he mumbled, walking back to the table and placing himself down.  
  
"So... tomorrow you're going to see somebody."  
  
"Yeah, I know that, mom."  
  
"Doctor Matsurei is a very good psychiatrist and so I expect you to be nice and friendly."  
  
"Ok, ok, I will."  
  
"Good, and uhm... Don't lie to him, ok ? Just tell him the truth."  
  
"I will, mom !" Matt half-shouted, getting a bit angry.  
  
"Now... Do- do you...- you know ? Do you-"  
  
Nancy indicated her arm.  
  
"Do I what ?"  
  
- - - What the hell does she want from me ?! - - -  
  
- - - To tell her the truth ? - - -  
  
- - - I hate her. - - -  
  
"You know... Do you hurt yourself ?"  
  
"No, mom. And I told you I won't talk about that, ok ?"  
  
Matt immediately stood up and wanted to go back to his bedroom but stopped as an opened drawer caught his eye. There were kitchen knives in it, and sharp things, such as razorblades, cheese knives, ...  
  
- - - Oh Jesus... - - -  
  
"Mom ?" Matt asked, his eyes still fixed on the drawer.  
  
Nancy turned around and quickly ran to Matt.  
  
"Mom, what did you think... ?" Matt said, so disappointed.  
  
Nancy shut the drawer and wanted to take Matt's hands.  
  
"No ! Don't touch me !" he shouted.  
  
She sniffled and said :  
  
"Matt, I didn't know what to do ! I just wanted to-"  
  
"Help me ? Is that what you want ? Mom ! What were you thinking ?!"  
  
"Matt, I'm-"  
  
"Just leave me alone !" he yelled, running back to his room.  
  
- - - I can't believe it ! - - - he thought as he dropped himself on his bed.  
  
He curled up to a ball and placed himself against the wall.  
  
He rose a hand to his cheek and felt that it was wet by tears.  
  
- - - Why am I crying ? - - -  
  
- - - Matt, what are you doing ? - - -  
  
- - - I need my diary ! - - -  
  
He slammed his hands on the wall in frustration and wanted to scream, but he controlled himself.  
  
- - - Be calm, Matt. Be calm. - - -  
  
- - - Calm down, and you'll be fine ! - - -  
  
Matt sighed.  
  
- - - Will this ever stop ? - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
That night, at about 2pm, Matt was lying awake in his bed.  
  
He was very hungry, because he had refused to go to the dinner room to eat with TK and Nancy.  
  
- - - Should I take something to eat ? - - -  
  
He decided to do so, and stood up from his bed.  
  
When he walked into the dinner room, he suddenly thought back on what had happened a few hours ago.  
  
The drawer...  
  
He didn't even hesitate.  
  
But quickly ran to it, still trying not to make any noise. What if TK or Nancy would wake up now ? He'd be in big, big trouble.  
  
- - - Gotta be strong now... - - -  
  
- - - You know you want it, don't you ? - - -  
  
- - - I do. - - -  
  
Matt opened it and surprised, he saw that all the contents were still there.  
  
- - - Perfect. - - -  
  
He took out a razorblade, one of his favorites, because it was the sharpest and easiest. It didn't hurt him that much, but still, it was so sharp that it would always be a deep cut.  
  
Matt smiled.  
  
- - - First time in ages that I feel actually relieved. - - -  
  
He went back to the room, very careful he stepped on the wooden floor, trying not to make it crack.  
  
As soon as he got back into the room and shut the door, he wanted to jump and to scream.  
  
- - - Haha... - - -  
  
- - - Freak that you are ! - - - he thought, taking the razorblade in a good grip.  
  
His hand moved to his shirt and pulled the sleeve up, almost automatically.  
  
He looked closely to his arm, but he didn't even saw the scars anymore, it had become such a routine that it looked normal to him, even though he knew it was freaky and gross.  
  
The blade, it went over his skin and when it went over a clean spot, he pushed it in.  
  
It wasn't that painful, but still, he winced at the thought of seeing himself. Cutting himself, causing harm to himself, hurting himself, making another scar, getting a step closer to the addiction of doing it. And that... made him cry. It hurt him so much !  
  
He wanted to scream but couldn't.  
  
- - - Just make it STOP !!! - - -  
  
- - - Go away !!! - - -  
  
And then... silence...  
  
He became calm and controlled again...  
  
and fell asleep as soon as he had put it away...  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
The next day, Matt got up very urly, feeling nervous.  
  
He quickly ate something and got ready for his first visit to the psychiatrist. Actually he didn't even wanna go, but his mother... Matt hoped that she couldn't see the new scar.  
  
"Are you ready, Matt ?" she yelled down the hall.  
  
She was upstairs, looking for her coat.  
  
"Yeah !"  
  
Matt thought it was useless to bring him by car. He was old enough to go by bus, right ?  
  
- - - She probably thinks I'll run away and then won't go... - - -  
  
- - - I don't feel like going anyway. - - -  
  
"Ok, I'm ready ! Let's go !" She said, passing Matt.  
  
- - - Mom ? Aren't I looking like I don't wanna go ? - - -  
  
"Come on, Matt ! We're late !" Nancy shouted.  
  
- - - Obviously not. - - -  
  
Matt walked to the front door and went outside.  
  
- - - I wanna disappear. - - -  
  
- - - Right now. - - -  
  
He got in and they drove to a large street, huge gardens and cars.  
  
- - - I'll hate this Matsurei guy. - - -  
  
The car stopped and Matt clicked the door open. As slow as possible, he took his jacket from the backseat and walked to the big door.  
  
He felt strange, and coming to a place like this made him feel like such a freak.  
  
Nancy rang the doorbell. A beeping sound came from the speaker at the side of the wall, and the door went open, automatically.  
  
Matt and Nancy had to wait, but not for too long. Just long enough to keep the empty silence between them. They hadn't spoke in the car either.  
  
When they heard a door click open and footsteps coming their way, Nancy stood up and bowed for a tall man, who was Dr. Matsurei.  
  
He bowed to her and said :  
  
"Hello, Mrs. Ishida."  
  
"Uhm... it's Takaishi, doctor, we're divorced. But, please call me Nancy."  
  
"Ok, Nancy. So..." he turned to Matt.  
  
"You must be Matt, I suppose."  
  
Instead of bowing to the man or saying 'hello', Matt turned to his mother with pleading eyes. He said :  
  
"Mom, I don't wanna go."  
  
"Matt !" Nancy said, embarrassed.  
  
She looked at Dr. Matsurei as if saying 'sorry'.  
  
"Mom, I don't wanna go, please get me out of here !" he whispered.  
  
"Matt, no..." she said, hugging him.  
  
He was on the verge of tears, obviously.  
  
Dr. Matsurei walked to Matt and took his arm. Nancy let go off him and said :  
  
"Bye, Matt."  
  
And then she walked away.  
  
"Mom ! No ! Wait !" Matt shouted.  
  
He wanted to run after her, but Dr. Matsurei didn't loose his grip on Matt's shoulder.  
  
He pushed Matt into his office, causing him to yell.  
  
"Let go of me !"  
  
"Matt, calm down." His voice said, sternly.  
  
The doctor shut the door.  
  
- - - Gotta be strong... - - -  
  
"Leave me alone !" Matt shouted.  
  
The office was big, and almost empty. There were only two chairs, a brown couch, a big white closet and a few plants in it. The floor and ceiling were white, like in the hospital.  
  
"Please sit down, Yamato."  
  
Matt glared at him, hearing his full name.  
  
"Please sit down, Matt."  
  
Matt hesitated.  
  
"You can sit in the couch if you want to." Dr. Matsurei said, indicating the brown and, obviously, expensive couch.  
  
Matt sat down.  
  
"Now, take off your jacket."  
  
Matt did so and threw it on the chair.  
  
"Nice jacket you got there." Matsurei said, placing himself on his chair.  
  
"Don't try." Matt sulked, not even looking in his direction.  
  
"Don't try what ? And look at me when you speak to me."  
  
Matt looked stunned, but did turn around.  
  
"You can't tell me what to do."  
  
"And you can't tell me what to tell you."  
  
"Fine ! I won't talk to you, then !" Matt said, crossing his arms.  
  
"Ok, good. But remember, your mother's paying for this."  
  
"I don't care !"  
  
"Hmm... Your parents are divorced, I heard..."  
  
"I know."  
  
"What do you think about that ?"  
  
"I said I wasn't gonna talk to you !" Matt shouted, looking at the doctor now.  
  
"Ok, then, Yamato. You don't have to talk, but I do want you to write down something." Matsurei said, handing him over a paper and pencil.  
  
Matt asked him 'what' with his eyes.  
  
"Anything."  
  
"Anything ?" Matt asked, frowning.  
  
"Whatever you like, you choose."  
  
Matt stared at the man as if he were Jun trying to impress Matt by stripping off her clothes. He shivered at that thought.  
  
"Fine, then." He said, pulling the paper from Matsurei's hands.  
  
Then he said :  
  
"Matt, now I've gotta go for a minute. You stay here and do whatever you like, ok ?"  
  
"But we've just met !"  
  
"I'll be back." He said, tapping Matt's hair.  
  
"Don't treat me like I'm a baby !" Matt shouted, staring and Dr. Matsurei who disappeared behind the door.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Dr. Matsurei walked passed the secretary.  
  
"Any messages, Lucy ?" he asked the brunette.  
  
"No, Doctor."  
  
"Would you please put on the camera's of room 2 ?"  
  
"Yes, Doctor."  
  
"He's a tough one."  
  
"Who ? The blonde ?"  
  
"Yeah, didn't you hear him yell when I pulled him into the office ?"  
  
"Yes, I did. He's pretty much alive."  
  
Dr. Matsurei laughed at that.  
  
"What happened to him ?"  
  
"Oh... long story. His parents divorced, he tried to commit suicide and he's a self injurer."  
  
"And he's only 14 years old ? Poor thing..."  
  
"Yeah, sure is. Now, I only need to find out 'why'."  
  
"Hmm... Is he in your office ?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm gonna watch him writing some things down and then I'll leave him there for an hour. He won't have a clue."  
  
"Yes, Doctor, he won't."  
  
"Ok, I gotta go, talk to you later, Luce !"  
  
"Yes, Doctor."  
  
Mr. Matsurei walked into a room that had about 10 TV screens on the wall and there was a sort of window between that room and the office where Matt was, only Matt couldn't see it.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - Boring man, that doctor is... - - - Matt thought, standing up from the couch.  
  
He took the paper from the table and then looked behind him, to the door. Very carefully, he went to the desk and placed himself on Dr. Matsurei's chair.  
  
He turned it around till he got dizzy.  
  
- - - Boring. - - -  
  
- - - Does my mom pay for this ? - - -  
  
- - - Jesus... what a waste of money. - - -  
  
- - - I'd rather have a new Playstation then this. - - -  
  
He looked at the man's desk and opened the drawers, one by one. Unfortunately, the drawers that probably contained the documents and files, were locked.  
  
- - - Too bad... - - -  
  
But Matt didn't give up that easy.  
  
- - - I want a diary. - - -  
  
He went to the closet, that stood next to the desk and opened it. There were papers, pencils, books, and maps in it. Enough for him to take. He took out a yellow book, the size of a half page.  
  
- - - Hmm... It's empty. - - -  
  
- - - It's mine. - - -  
  
He went back to sit on the chair behind the desk and started to write.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Dearest diary,  
  
I just stole you from Dr. Matsurei's closet. He's my psychiatrist. Yeah... I'm a looney. There has happened a lot, you know ? It's been ages ago that I wrote down something. But I don't wanna talk about all that boring stuff. I'm still the same me. The same jerk, son of a bitch, the same freak. Ok, here we go again. I love dissing myself. I love the way that I can break. I just break. Sometimes, at the weirdest moments, and then I wanna cut myself again. It's a cycle, and it's so goddamn fucking unbreakable. I hate it !!! It always goes like this : Something makes me upset, and that causes me to be quiet and depressed for the whole day, and that works on the nerves of other people, such as Tai, or my mom, and then they start to ask annoying questions, and then I have another fight, mostly with my mom, and then I feel the urge for a new cut, so I make it, and then, blah blah blah, I'm depressed again, because I can't bear the marks and scars... I'm a little shit, eh ? I do things to myself which I can't handle, and I enjoy it ! FREAK ! Yes, Yamato Ishida, or simply said : Matt, is a total nutcase. A mental freak, and that's probably the reason for me to be stuck in this place. I hope my mom stops doing this. I hate it ! I'm locked in a guy's office and I have to write down something. 'Something'. Yeah, sure... Something ? Nah, I don't wanna write stupid things, and NO WAY that he's gonna read my diary ! You're the only one who really knows me... Pathetic, right ? No offence, but after all, you're just a book, a bunch of pages, and you're the only one who I trust... I feel alone. So alone. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of the desert and I'm shouting for help. Only in reality, there's lots of people around me. And they all think they know me. And it's like : "Matt, what's wrong ? Matt, are you ok ? Matt, what's the matter ?" I'm so sick of it all !!! Why do they keep on asking anyway ? I won't give them any right answer, so they all have to leave me alone, and chill someplace else. Just back off, people ! Hm... Even though... sometimes it feels good to hear a 'hello' or 'goodmorning'. I think my friends care. Sora, she's nice. And Mimi is nice too. Actually, I like all of them. Only Tai is special. He's my best friend. I lie much to him, and no, actually I never tell him the truth... But hey ! He is the only one that I can fool. He doesn't notice when I'm down. And I'm so thankful for that. But yeah... now ? He'll never leave his eyes off me again. Because I tried to kill myself. About that... It was the only cut that I really didn't feel. My pain receptors probably did, but I didn't. The only thing I felt, was the blood dripping on the floor. I can still hear it... The drops... Like soft rain, falling into the puddles in the street. I used to like rain when I was young. I sill do, actually. I love to run through the streets when it's raining. It feels like all the shame is washed away then... Ohh... that reminds me of Kari... She's in love with me, you know ? But she's 11 years old ! 12 in a few weeks, but I'm 14. I can't love her, right ? Well, I can, but I won't. I don't have any more feelings for her but just pure friendship. Friendship ? I HATE friendship ! I HATE THE WORD FRIENDSHIP !!! I HATE IT !!! I HATE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm the Keeper of it ? FUCK ! I hate myself... I mean it, I hate myself, and I should die... What use am I for the world ? I worry other people, fight with them, hurt them, so I guess... I'm no good. I'm NO good. I'm Nobody. Nobody. Nobody Ishida. Sounds like me, eh ? Yeah... Gotta go now. Sorry, bye.  
  
~Nobody.  
  
  
  
  
  
Ok, peeps, that was it again ! The next chapter will be up SOOn, so don't panick. And now please review and keep reading these stories ! Thank you very much ! I want 5 more reviews and then I'll get the next chapter on, ok ? So, be good and click on : 'Submit Review' Good ! Thank you ! ^^  
  
-x-x-x- Mari-sama~ 


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